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To get a good job today, it is more important for children to study mathematics and foreign languages than art and music. v.1

To get a good job today, it is more important for children to study mathematics and foreign languages than art and music. v. 1
Job opportunities are becoming highly competitive these days. Skills in a foreign language and mathematics keep a person extra mile ahead of people with knowledge in music and arts. The importance of arts and music cannot be denied in a person's life but it is evident that for most of the jobs, a second language and mathematical skills are far more important. That is why I totally agree with the idea that children should focus more on mathematics and a foreign language in academic life than arts subjects unless he wants to become an artist or a musician in professional life. On one hand, music and arts are important for our personal and social life. However, it can be learned by anybody but everybody cannot become an artist or musician without inherent talent and total dedication beyond academic study. Moreover job market for arts and music is much smaller when compared with technological and science related occupations. For instance, if a media company requires an artist, they will hire very few artists and their communication and language skills would also be judged. At the same time, lower pay rates in art related subjects should also be considered while deciding which major a child should take in his academic life. On the other hand, mathematics is an essential subject that everyone should learn. This subject encourages children to think and improve the brain capacity and memory. Moreover, mathematics is involved and an important part of every job sector these days, including information technology, auto engineering, banking, designing, researching, construction engineering and so on.   At the same time, skill in an extra language always increases the opportunity for a job seeker. For example, when a Japanese Construction Company seeks for a construction expert for their project, they would definitely prefer the person who knows Japanese among other candidates. Since one of the main objectives of academic lessons is to prepare children for the future career, mathematics and second language should always get priority. To conclude, without a doubt learning mathematics and a foreign language signifies the capabilities of children and their future. I am not against teaching school children arts and music but as long as their future career is involved, teaching mathematics and a second language should always give priority.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Job
opportunities are becoming
highly
competitive these days.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Skills
in a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a person extra mile ahead of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with knowledge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. The importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
cannot
be denied
in a person's life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is evident that for most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
and mathematical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
That is
why I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should focus more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
and a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
life than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
unless he wants to become an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
or a musician in professional life.

On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for our personal and social life.
However
, it can
be learned
by anybody
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
everybody cannot become an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
or musician without inherent talent and total dedication beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
study.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is much smaller when compared with technological and science related occupations.
For instance
, if a media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
requires an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
, they will hire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few
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artists
and their communication and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
would
also
be judged
. At the same time, lower pay rates in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
also
be considered
while deciding which major a child should take in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
life.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
is an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
that everyone should learn. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the brain capacity and memory.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
is involved
and an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sector these days, including information technology, auto engineering, banking, designing, researching, construction engineering and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
in an extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
always increases the opportunity for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
seeker.
For example
, when a Japanese Construction
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
seeks for a construction expert for their project, they would definitely prefer the person who knows Japanese among other candidates. Since one of the main objectives of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
lessons is to prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for the future career,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
and second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
should always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
priority.

To conclude
, without a doubt learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
and a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
signifies the capabilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their future. I am not against teaching school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as long as their future career
is involved
, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mathematics
and a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
should always give priority.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
53Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay To get a good job today, it is more important for children to study mathematics and foreign languages than art and music. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
380 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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