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Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v.10

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v. 10
It is Irrefutable that in the modern world, everyone wants to live comfortable and good life. It has been asserted that people have a desire to live in an ideal society. However, they do not know about the essential factors needed for this. From my perspective, social bonding, employment, good infrastructure and excellent health care and education needed for a perfect community. Which I would like to pen down in my upcoming paragraphs along with methods for achieving this. To commence with, there are various elements needed for an ideal public. First and foremost, social bonding is the prominent factor needed for a better nation. Because a good relationship of helping people to maintain peace and prosperity in any area, which is essential for our life. For this, people have to spend time with others and share their sorrows and happiness with each other. Furthermore, a good framework is also required, for instance, as well-furnished building of schools, offices, and hospitals, motivates people to do more work with efficient way which is also crucial for comfortable life. In order to achieve this, people have to pay more taxes to government. So that they can make a good base. In addition to this, employment is also an essential factor, because everyone required job to fulfil daily needs like food, accommodation, clothes, health care and education. Therefore, if everyone has a good job in humanity, then only population can come perfect. To achieve this, government should enhance job opportunities for people. And people should start their small businesses. So that, they can develop jobs for people. To recapitulate, based on the above discussion, I conclude that employment, social bonding and infrastructure are needed for perfect culture and this can we achieve by following suitable measures.
It is Irrefutable that in the modern world, everyone wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortable and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
life. It has
been asserted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an ideal society.
However
, they do not know about the essential factors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for this. From my perspective, social bonding, employment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
infrastructure and excellent health care and education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for a perfect community. Which I would like to pen down in my upcoming paragraphs along with methods for achieving this.

To commence with, there are various elements
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for an ideal public.
First
and foremost, social bonding is the prominent factor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for a better nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
relationship of helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain peace and prosperity in any area, which is essential for our life. For this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend time with others and share their sorrows and happiness with each other.
Furthermore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
framework is
also
required,
for instance
,
as well
-furnished building of schools, offices, and hospitals, motivates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do more work with efficient way which is
also
crucial for comfortable life. In order to achieve this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more taxes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
base.

In addition
to this, employment is
also
an essential factor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to fulfil daily needs like food, accommodation, clothes, health care and education.
Therefore
, if everyone has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in humanity, then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
population can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
perfect. To achieve this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
businesses.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, they can develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To recapitulate, based on the above discussion, I conclude that employment, social bonding and infrastructure are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for perfect culture and this can we achieve by following suitable measures.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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