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Many people think that having more money will make them happier. How important is money to happiness? v.1

Many people think that having more money will make them happier. How important is money to happiness? v. 1
Making more money has become more important to people rather than it used to be once. It is associated with the common belief that to live more happily you need to be wealthier. In this essay, I will discuss about the role of wage in people’s lives and the reasons causing them to be so reliant on monetary issues to feel happy. As well, I will try to draw some conclusions. There are some key factors resulting people in giving too much importance to wealth over other aspects of lives. Needless to say, the more cash they have, the more achievable their goals will be. If they had so much fund to have a lavish lifestyle, they could buy everything they would like to, from big houses to luxury cars. Rich people could keep up with the latest fashions if they were keen on new trends. Last but not least, they have the chance of being surrounded by a substantial number of friends, which in-turn makes their emotional demands be fulfilled. Despite the fact that bill is the key to afford living expenses, hardly could it be the only way to feel happy. Firstly, making property in excess would not guarantee happiness in families. Kim Kardashian, for instance, was talking about her fears once. ‘I cannot trust people anymore because many of my friends have betrayed my trust up to now’, she said. Secondly, happiness is not a feeling that you find outside yourself. You can enjoy every minute of your life in a cabin watching the beautiful nature around you while a rich person might never camp in the nature instead of staying in luxury hotels. Finally and more importantly, though, it is the quality of relationships among family members that would create a happy and convivial atmosphere in which they live. Many of less affluent families have been seen to live with lower stress levels in their close relationships with each other. In conclusion, although having a salary is essential to make a living, it is desirable up to a certain point. Furthermore, happiness is a sense more dependent on people’s characteristics and families. My view is that to live happily you need to be as wealthy as you can afford your basic demands, enjoy your life and be nice to your loved ones
Making more money has become more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rather
than it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be once. It
is associated
with the common belief that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
more
happily
you need to be wealthier. In this essay, I will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
role of wage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and the reasons causing them to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
reliant on monetary issues to feel happy.
As well
, I will try to draw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conclusions.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
key factors resulting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in giving too much importance to wealth over other aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. Needless to say, the more cash they have, the more achievable their goals will be. If they had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much fund to have a lavish lifestyle, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything they would like to, from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
to luxury cars. Rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the latest fashions if they were keen on new trends. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, they have the chance of
being surrounded
by a substantial number of friends, which in-turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their emotional demands
be fulfilled
.

Despite the fact that bill is the key to afford living expenses, hardly could it be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to feel happy.
Firstly
, making property in excess would not guarantee happiness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. Kim Kardashian,
for instance
, was talking about her fears once. ‘I cannot trust
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
anymore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of my friends have betrayed my trust up to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
’, she said.
Secondly
, happiness is not a feeling that you find outside yourself. You can enjoy every minute of your life in a cabin watching the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
nature around you while a rich person might never camp in the nature
instead
of staying in luxury hotels.
Finally
and more
importantly
, though, it is the quality of relationships among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members that would create a happy and convivial atmosphere in which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of less affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
levels in their close relationships with each other.

In conclusion
, although having a salary is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living, it is desirable up to a certain point.
Furthermore
, happiness is a sense more dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
characteristics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. My view is that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
happily
you need to be as wealthy as you can afford your basic demands, enjoy your life and be nice to your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
ones
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that having more money will make them happier. How important is money to happiness? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
385 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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