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Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v.1

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v. 1
The criteria with which a perfect society is defined are hotly debated by many. In my opinion, being able to allow every social member to lead a fulfilling life is the most important factor contributing to an ideal society. Living in a satisfactory life involves three main elements. Firstly, a good salary which allows people to meet their basic needs such as paying for housing, food, bills, medical care and education is of great importance. Another crucial element is the sense of security, which is mainly based on the healthy relationship between people, meaning a person can fully trust others without any hesitation. In addition, a strong consciousness of responsibility is also vital in this respect. If every social individual is striving to protect the integrity and to promote the development of their communities, the combined efforts will result in that all people can enjoy a reasonable quality of life. From my point of view, improving the standards and the prevalence of education is the best way for people to obtain fulfilment in life, which eventually leads to a harmonious and healthy society. To be more specific, education can equip people with essential occupational skills and provide them with the opportunities to develop these skills within their expertise. As a result, people can expect to start a desired career with sufficient incomes that give them the ability to cover their expenses, as well as to raise a family. Also, the awareness among people of the importance of the healthy bound between people can be raised via proper education. Those who were educated in high standard institutes are better at regulating themselves and are more polite in terms of interacting with others. With every person being instilled with abilities to earn a living and the benign attitude towards other people, which leads to a peaceful and thriving society, they will develop a strong obligation to protecting what they are enjoying in their desired society. As seen above, the role of education in the creation of an ideal society is indeed pivotal. In conclusion, an ideal society is a large community in which every member of it is able to have a fulfilling life. It seems to me that rendering people with the capability to do this through educating them is the most effective method of establishing a perfect world for us to live.
The criteria with which a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is defined
are
hotly
debated by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. In my opinion, being able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
every social member to lead a fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor contributing to an ideal society.

Living in a satisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
involves three main elements.
Firstly
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their basic needs such as paying for housing, food, bills, medical care and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is of great importance. Another crucial element is the sense of security, which is
mainly
based on the healthy relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, meaning a person can
fully
trust others without any hesitation.
In addition
, a strong consciousness of responsibility is
also
vital in this respect. If every social individual is striving to protect the integrity and to promote the development of their communities, the combined efforts will result in that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy a reasonable quality of life.

From my point of view, improving the standards and the prevalence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is the best way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to obtain
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which
eventually
leads to a harmonious and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. To be more specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can equip
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with essential occupational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and provide them with the opportunities to develop these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
within their expertise.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a desired career with sufficient incomes that give them the ability to cover their expenses,
as well
as to raise a family.
Also
, the awareness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the importance of the healthy bound between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be raised
via proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. Those who
were educated
in high standard institutes are better at regulating themselves and are more polite in terms of interacting with others. With every person
being instilled
with abilities to earn a living and the benign attitude towards other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which leads to a peaceful and thriving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, they will develop a strong obligation to protecting what they are enjoying in their desired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
above, the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in the creation of an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is
indeed
pivotal.

In conclusion
, an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is a large community in which every member of it is able to have a fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. It seems to me that rendering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with the capability to do this through educating them is the most effective method of establishing a perfect world for us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS essay Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in modern world? How can people work towards achieving an ideal society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
392 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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