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Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society. However, there is still no agreement about what a perfect society would be like. What, in your opinion, would be the most important element of a perfect society? What can people do to help create an ideal society? v.1

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society. However, there is still no agreement about what a perfect society would be like. What, in your opinion, would be the most important element of a perfect society? What can people do to help create an ideal society? v. 1
For so long, humans have been taking the possibility of an amazing society into consideration. Nevertheless, in fact, individuals have not had the general standard for this term. My own view is that safety is the indispensable factor contributing to a great society, along with numerous measures. I claim that were not safety exist, the world would be covered with terrorism, deaths and sadness as everyone had the right to slaughter and kill each other freely and humans’ lives were not respected. They also could steal others’ valuables without paying the price for it. Hence, when people live in a place where they are isolated from crime, they are able to enjoy life and successes which they deserve and fulfill their aims to do their hobbies. To illustrate, our peaceful world today in which we all have freedom to study, work and conduct everything we want to and we even can sue anyone who affects us is due to laws and rules which create protection to humans. Otherwise, I emphasize some alternatives to apply this element into societies. First, imposing strict laws for all kinds of crime should be given the priority. For instance, people who get involved in burglary, robbery and thievery must be in jail for years instead of months. Thus, no one has to be scared of being threatened to be killed if they do not give the crime money. Secondly, governments have to invest money on educating people, especially youngsters and children, about crime. For example, they can encourage students to focus on moral lessons more. Consequently, in the future, the young generation will not commit crime any more as they are well-educated about it. Finally, because jobless individuals tend to risk doing crime to maintain their lives, job opportunities have to be plentifully provided, so that they can find satisfaction in life. Altogether, I do assume that individuals need safety to create a perfect society. They also have to introduce strict rules to stop bad actions, teach people about crime and offer jobs for everyone, so that the world will be fairer.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
long, humans have been taking the possibility of an amazing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
into consideration.
Nevertheless
, in fact, individuals have not had the general standard for this term. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view is that safety is the indispensable factor contributing to a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, along with numerous measures.

I claim that were not safety exist, the world would
be covered
with terrorism, deaths and sadness as everyone had the right to slaughter and kill each other
freely
and humans’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
were not respected. They
also
could steal others’ valuables without paying the price for it.
Hence
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a place where they
are isolated
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, they are able to enjoy life and successes which they deserve and fulfill their aims to do their hobbies. To illustrate, our peaceful world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
in which we all have freedom to study, work and conduct everything we want
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
to and
we even can sue anyone who affects us is due to laws and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
which create protection to humans.

Otherwise
, I emphasize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
alternatives to apply this element into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
First
, imposing strict laws for all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the priority.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in burglary, robbery and thievery
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be in jail for years
instead
of months.
Thus
, no one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be scared
of
being threatened
to
be killed
if they do not give the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
money.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
invest money on educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
youngsters and children, about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
For example
, they can encourage students to focus on moral lessons more.
Consequently
, in the future, the young generation will not commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
Did you mean the adverb "anymore"?
any more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
they are well-educated about it.
Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
jobless individuals tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
to maintain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, job opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
plentifully
provided,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can find satisfaction in life.

Altogether, I do assume that individuals need safety to create a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. They
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
introduce strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
actions, teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and offer jobs for everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the world will be fairer.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society. However, there is still no agreement about what a perfect society would be like. What, in your opinion, would be the most important element of a perfect society? What can people do to help create an ideal society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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