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Some people thing that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What others factors contribute towards happiness? v.1

Some people thing that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What others factors contribute towards happiness? v. 1
Money is considered by many people to be one of the most important contributing factors towards happiness. In my opinion, it is possible for people to be happy even if they have little money and other aspects of life can play a more vital role in creating happiness. Although having money brings happiness to a lot of people, it doesn't necessarily follow that people without money are, therefore, unhappy. Take for example the comparison between developing and developed countries, most Westerners would agree that people in developed countries are happier, enjoy stronger family connections and take more pleasure in the simplicities of life to a greater extent than those in developed countries. One way that people can develop happiness is through their work. For instance, a doctor doing volunteer work in underdeveloped countries may have very little money but the reward of helping people and doing the job they are good at, brings happiness itself. In other words, happiness can be found by skills that people are trained for and through job satisfaction. Finally, another factor influencing happiness is having supportive and loving people in one's life. While money may bring the opportunities to enjoy pleasures, few people would enjoy them on their own. Being surrounded by a loving and caring family is considered by most people to be more valuable than any amount of money. In conclusion, money is not essential for happiness, which can be found through job satisfaction as well as family. If more people strived in life towards true happiness rather than money, the world would be a better place.
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Money
is considered
by
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many
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people
to be one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
contributing factors towards
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happiness
. In my opinion, it is possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be happy even if they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and other aspects of
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life
can play a more vital role in creating happiness.

Although having
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money
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
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people
, it doesn't
necessarily
follow that
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people
without
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money
are,
therefore
, unhappy. Take
for example
the comparison between developing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, most Westerners would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
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people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
are happier, enjoy stronger family connections and take more pleasure in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
simplicities
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to a greater extent than those in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
.

One way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is through their work.
For instance
, a doctor doing volunteer work in underdeveloped countries may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the reward of helping
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people
and doing the job they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at, brings
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happiness
itself.
In other words
,
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happiness
can
be found
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are trained
for and through job satisfaction.

Finally
, another factor influencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is having supportive and loving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may bring the opportunities to enjoy pleasures, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would enjoy them on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Being surrounded
by a loving and caring family
is considered
by most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be more valuable than any amount of money.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, which can
be found
through job satisfaction
as well
as family. If more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
strived in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
towards true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, the world would be a better place.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Some people thing that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What others factors contribute towards happiness? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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