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Three kinds of activities will be offered on a special day organized by the International Student office. Which one do you prefer? (1) International food fair (2) International music festival (3) International film festival. v.1

Three kinds of activities will be offered on a special day organized by the International Student office. Which one do you prefer? (1) International food fair (2) International music festival (3) International film festival. v. 1
The changes of family structure and family roles have become a major topic of concern in modem society. Some of the main changes will be identified, before an evaluation on whether this is a positive or negative trend is made. A few drastic changes could be observed in families today. The most obvious one is the decreased size of an average family in society. In Vietnam, for example, a majority of extended families of three generations or more living under the same roof have been transformed into nuclear families with only parents and children. In addition, there is also a significant change in terms of the roles of the father and the mother in a family. The responsibility of males as the sole breadwinner of the family has now been shared with their partners, and now women have equal working opportunities compared with their male counterparts. Accordingly, household duties are also shared equally between the two sexes. I contend that this new family structure is without doubt beneficial for all families. As regards the small family size, each family member could benefit from an increased sense of freedom. For instance, parents have more time for themselves now, compared with the situation in the past when they had to bear the responsibility of taking care of both grandparents and children. With respect to the change in family roles, women may reap the benefit of having their own career and thus financial freedom. Men also gain from this change since they have been freed from the financial pressure of being the only source of income in the family. To conclude, the most apparent changes in today’s families include a decreased family size and a shared financial and household responsibility of men and women. All the existing data have provided a concrete foundation that these changes are beneficial for all members of the family.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
roles have become a major topic of concern in modem society.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
will
be identified
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
an evaluation on whether this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend
is made
.

A few drastic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
could
be observed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. The most obvious one is the decreased size of an average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in society. In Vietnam,
for example
, a majority of extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
of three generations or more living under the same roof have
been transformed
into nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
parents and children.
In addition
, there is
also
a significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in terms of the roles of the father and the mother in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. The responsibility of males as the sole breadwinner of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
been shared
with their partners, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
women have equal working opportunities compared with their male counterparts.
Accordingly
, household duties are
also
shared
equally
between the two sexes.

I contend that this new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure is without doubt beneficial for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. As regards the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
size, each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member could benefit from an increased sense of freedom.
For instance
, parents have more time for themselves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, compared with the situation in the past when they had to bear the responsibility of taking care of both grandparents and children. With respect to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
roles, women may reap the benefit of having their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career and
thus
financial freedom.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
also
gain from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
since they have
been freed
from the financial pressure of being the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
source of income in the family.

To conclude
, the most apparent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
include a decreased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
size and a shared financial and household responsibility of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women. All the existing data have provided a concrete foundation that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
are beneficial for all members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Three kinds of activities will be offered on a special day organized by the International Student office. Which one do you prefer? (1) International food fair (2) International music festival (3) International film festival. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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