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Some people think that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.1

Some people think that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. v. 1
Nowadays, it is not surprising that the issue of losing culture value has attracted many heated debates due to its impact on the whole society. In this essay, I will discuss significant causes relating to this topic, and try to suggest some possible important solutions to overcome this painful problem. As a starting point of discussion, let us examine the problems that arise from society due to many working people. The most common one is a busy work - life. This is because to get basic needs. Not only will there be busy work - life, but also globalization. For instance, cities like Surat and Mumbai. Analysing the problems is important, but that should not be the end of the discussion. Despite of the above discussed problems, there are a few possible solutions we could endeavour to undertake. Perhaps the best way to deal with this is that the government should promote local public gathering events or local festival celebrating by sharing the why it is essential in the life. For example, Singapore is the only which is celebrating the Indian and Chinese new year as most of the population is from there. Another could be achieved by arranging the local events like weekly get to gathering within the residential park or club house where children can play with each other and adult can have relaxing time with neighbours. In conclusion, although globalization faces a variety of problems, such as P1 and P2, these problems are not insurmountable. In my view, it is the government's responsibility to tackle these issues, and they should begin by considering some of the solutions proposed above.
Nowadays, it is not surprising that the issue of losing culture value has attracted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
heated debates due to its impact
on the whole
society. In this essay, I will discuss significant causes relating to this topic, and try to suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
solutions to overcome this painful problem.

As a starting point of discussion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us examine the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that arise from society due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. The most common one is a busy work
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
life. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
basic needs. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will there be busy work
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
globalization.
For instance
, cities like Surat and Mumbai.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that should not be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the discussion.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
the above discussed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, there are a few possible solutions we could
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to undertake. Perhaps the best way to deal with this is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should promote local public gathering
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or local festival celebrating by sharing
Did you mean "why"?
the why
it is essential in the life.
For example
, Singapore is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
which is celebrating the Indian and Chinese new year as most of the population is from there. Another could
be achieved
by arranging the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
like weekly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to gathering within the residential park or club
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
where children can play with each other and adult can have relaxing time with
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
.

In conclusion
, although globalization faces a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, such as P1 and P2, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are not insurmountable. In my view, it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's responsibility to tackle these issues, and they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by considering
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
solutions proposed above.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that schools do not do enough to teach young people about how to look after their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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