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Millions of dollar are spent on space research each year. Some people argue that the money should be spent on improving living standards on earth. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Millions of dollar are spent on space research each year. Some people argue that the money should be spent on improving living standards on earth. v. 1
These days, modern people are worried about the amount of disturbance in video games and online programs. In this regard, there is an opinion that the violation in the virtual reality, can lead individuals to the negative outcomes, such increasing the level of aggressiveness as and committing minor crimes. However, these problems can be solved by government and parents, if they collaborate with each other properly. First of all, the main disadvantage of watching violence on the television is aggression. It is widely accepted that if children allowed to watch a significant amount of moves and TV series with too much violation and assassination, they can get mental injuries. Consequently, they can commit crime in the real life. To illustrate, many children, who spend a plethora of time in front of the monitor, are keen to fight with their peers. Secondly, this brute force can lead children to commit crimes. It is widely known that due to aggression which they inherited from their habits of watching a violence on TV, children can be influenced by these changes in their mindset. As a result, they can commit minor crimes in order to continue their video games. For example, they can steal some money from their parents, in order to buy new video games. However, there are many ways to solve these problems. Firstly, parents should limit their Childrens’ TV time. In this reason, they should motivate them to dedicate their time for useful things. A good illustration of this is doing physical exercises or learning a foreign language. Secondly, the authorities should decrease the level of disturbance. These can help the young generation to avoid negative effects of reality shows and horror films. Furthermore, these kinds of moves should not be allowed to watch for children. For instance, age limit can be an effective way to alleviate this problem. In conclusion, although many children are influenced by negative outcomes of violence on the television, parents and authorities can alleviate this issue, if they collaborate with each other properly.
These days, modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are worried
about the amount of disturbance in video games and online programs. In this regard, there is an opinion that the violation in the virtual reality, can lead individuals to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes, such increasing the level of aggressiveness as and committing minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
However
, these problems can
be solved
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, if they collaborate with each other
properly
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main disadvantage of watching violence on the television is aggression. It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a significant amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
and TV series with too much violation and assassination, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
mental injuries.
Consequently
, they can commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in the real life. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who spend a plethora of time in front of the monitor, are keen to fight with their peers.
Secondly
, this brute force can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. It is
widely
known that due to aggression which they inherited from their habits of watching a violence on TV,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be influenced
by these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in their mindset.
As a result
, they can commit minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in order to continue their video games.
For example
, they can steal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
new video games.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to solve these problems.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should limit their
Possible spelling mistake found.
Childrens
’ TV time. In this reason, they should motivate them to dedicate their time for useful things. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is doing physical exercises or learning a foreign language.
Secondly
, the authorities should decrease the level of disturbance. These can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the young generation to avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and horror films.
Furthermore
, these kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, age limit can be an effective way to alleviate this problem.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are influenced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes of violence on the television,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and authorities can alleviate this issue, if they collaborate with each other
properly
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Millions of dollar are spent on space research each year. Some people argue that the money should be spent on improving living standards on earth. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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