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These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go yo sporting or cultural events. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v.1

These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go yo sporting or cultural events. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v. 1
Buying tickets for athletics and traditional events are getting popular. Nowadays, people are spending money, enormously on cultural and sporting ceremonies for entertainment purposes. This trend has a significant impact not only on an individual life but also on the community. I believe that the positives of incurring expenses for recreational activities are higher than its negatives as it decreases mental stress and creates employment opportunities. Indeed, many professionals are working around the clock to meet deadlines, which creates pressure in their minds. To overcome this burden, entertainment sources such as theatres, football, and cricket matches are preferable choices of the masses. In the USA, many employees of multinational companies, after working for 60 hours in 5 days working, go to live concerts or watching basketball tournaments for unwinding stress, whereby they refresh themselves for upcoming weekdays. Thus, mental pressure can be reduced by amusing concerts and sports. Furthermore, classical and gymnasium events are the source of livelihood for many humans. Thousands of people are working in the entertainment sector to earn the sustenance cost for their families. For instance, every second year, thousands of individuals travel to other countries to watch the Olympic games or World cup tournaments, which not only generate billions of dollars revenue for the organizing nation but also employ thousands of jobs for the citizens. Therefore, cultural events and sports programs are generating massive employment for humans. In conclusion, athletics and religious programs play an indispensable role in human's life. Removing stress and producing jobs are some of the advantages of this notion due to this, it has a major impact both on the development of humanity and country.
Buying tickets for athletics and traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are getting popular. Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are spending money,
enormously
on cultural and sporting ceremonies for entertainment purposes. This trend has a significant impact not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on an individual life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
on the community. I believe that the positives of incurring expenses for recreational activities are higher than its negatives as it decreases mental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and creates employment opportunities.

Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professionals are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
around the clock to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
deadlines, which creates pressure in their minds. To overcome this burden, entertainment sources such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
, football, and cricket matches are preferable choices of the masses. In the USA,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees of multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for 60 hours in 5 days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, go to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
concerts or watching basketball tournaments for unwinding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, whereby they refresh themselves for upcoming weekdays.
Thus
, mental pressure can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by amusing concerts and sports.

Furthermore
, classical and gymnasium
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are the source of livelihood for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
humans. Thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the entertainment sector to earn the sustenance cost for their families.
For instance
, every second year, thousands of individuals travel to other countries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
or World cup tournaments, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
generate billions of dollars revenue for the organizing nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
employ thousands of jobs for the citizens.
Therefore
, cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and sports programs are generating massive employment for humans.

In conclusion
, athletics and religious programs play an indispensable role in human's life. Removing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and producing jobs are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
advantages of this notion due to this, it has a major impact both on the development of humanity and country.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go yo sporting or cultural events. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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