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6- Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v.1

6- Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v. 1
Nowadays, a large number of people are purchasing tickets for live events involving sports and culture. While it is often thought that this is a good way for relieving stress, I am inclined to believe that this could get people into debt and jeopardize their budget. On the one hand, to maintain a healthy and satisfying life, it is important to maintain a balance of both physical and mental health. These activities inspire people to do more exercise and workout. For instance, some people are captivated by few games because of their favourite athletes and want to pursue their career in it. Therefore, going to such events is beneficial only if a person can afford it and is attracted towards it. On the other hand, a lot of people spend money on concerts and festivals just to raise their popularity among their mates. This is because such events receive extensive attention in the media and many fans are excited to be part of them. However, if anyone has a genuine interest in a specific sporting event or cultural activity, it might be enough to watch it on TV or on the Internet. The tickets for these shows are usually very expensive and people should make wise decisions before buying them. Consequently, entering such competitions only to flaunt in front of a few friends would only lead to deterioration of the financial condition of a person. In conclusion, while certain activities are helpful to people in easing tension and inspiring them to play sports, I think people should be cautious about spending money on them.
Nowadays,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are purchasing tickets for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
involving sports and culture. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way for relieving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, I
am inclined
to believe that this could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
into debt and jeopardize their budget.

On the one hand, to maintain a healthy and satisfying life, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to maintain a balance of both physical and mental health. These activities inspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do more exercise and workout.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are captivated
by few games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
athletes and want to pursue their career in it.
Therefore
, going to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is beneficial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if a person can afford it and
is attracted
towards it.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend money on concerts and festivals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to raise their popularity among their mates. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
receive extensive attention in the media and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fans
are excited
to be part of them.
However
, if anyone has a genuine interest in a specific sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
or cultural activity, it might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it on TV or on the Internet. The tickets for these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are
usually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
wise decisions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
buying them.
Consequently
, entering such competitions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to flaunt in front of a few friends would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead to deterioration of the financial condition of a person.

In conclusion
, while certain activities are helpful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in easing tension and inspiring them to play sports, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be cautious about spending money on them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 6- Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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