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Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v.1

Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v. 1
At the present time, spending huge amount of money on the leisure activities regardless the expense of tickets becomes a trend. People have different perspectives regarding this modern direction. I totally agree with those who are against this direction. On one hand, those who support this wave believe that it has a positive effect on both of society and residents. With regards to society, the income of these activities could go to the charity organizations and poor people. For example, after Catrina tornado in the USA, several concerts have been organized to collect cash and support community to be reconstructed. With respect to individuals, the rich residents have the privilege to spend the salary they earn as they want. Ultimately, all people are working hard to enjoy their by obtaining the wealth they need. On the other hand, I would side by the opponents of this modern tendency who illustrate that spending insensible amount of wealth on entertainment activities is a waste of money. instead of waste their salary, those residents could turn to financially support their society and give a hand to others. To illustrate, giving one thousand dollars to poor individuals would be more beneficial than spend the same amount of cash on attending matches or concerts. In addition to that, this trend makes the poor residents more irritated by seeing others spending money they keen to have on unnecessary activities. In conclusion, however, the trend of spending a high amount of money on useless activities is considered to have a negative effects, other people reclaim that there are considerable merits of this tendency. In my personal opinion, I find the demerits outweigh benefits of this trend.
At the present time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
regardless the expense of tickets becomes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives regarding this modern direction. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who are against this direction.

On one hand, those who support this wave believe that it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on both of society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
society, the income of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could go to the charity organizations and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, after Catrina tornado in the USA, several concerts have
been organized
to collect cash and support community to
be reconstructed
. With respect to individuals, the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
have the privilege to spend the salary they earn as they want.
Ultimately
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to enjoy their by obtaining the wealth they need.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I would side by the opponents of this modern tendency who illustrate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
insensible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of wealth on entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
instead
of waste their salary, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
could turn to
financially
support their society and give a hand to others. To illustrate, giving one thousand dollars to poor individuals would be more beneficial than spend the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of cash on attending matches or concerts.
In addition
to that, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
more irritated by seeing others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they keen to have on unnecessary activities.

In conclusion
,
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on useless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is considered
to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reclaim that there are considerable merits of this tendency.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my personal opinion, I find the demerits outweigh benefits of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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