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These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.1

These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1
Many events are so popular that they make people willing to use a large amount of money to buy the tickets such as Olympic or Festival of Colors in India. A few individuals think this is a benefit for them to follow the idea, but others disagree with that. I believe that spending a huge sum of money on these tickets will cause a downfall for one’s finance. Tickets of big events is a mean to entertain, if people use a big amount of cash to it, their asset will be depleted. In addition, it can affect to relationship and behavior of person to the outside world. For examples, many teenagers want to look cool in the eyes of their friends, so they buy live concert ticket to a popular singer or band. Their relationship with their families would be bad because they use money with that purpose. There can be a chance that occur thievery from these young ones if they do not meet their demand. For instance, if their families don’t provide them enough money to buy tickets, they will steal cash from their parents. On the other hand, releasing stress by attending these events is claimed to be an advantage for spending money on the tickets. Therefore, they can enjoy the excited atmosphere of the events without minding about how much they spend on the tickets. Furthermore, when having an ease mind, they can perform better in their work and study. To be concluded, spending cash on tickets to have fun in big events is just a benefit in a short period of time. But relationship and behavior can be dame because of unreasonable amount of money spending for tickets just to participate in. So think carefully before buying tickets.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
such as Olympic or Festival of Colors in India. A few individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is a benefit for them to follow the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others disagree with that. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
a huge sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
will cause a downfall for one’s finance.

Tickets of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is a mean to entertain, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of cash to it, their asset will
be depleted
.
In addition
, it can affect to relationship and behavior of person to the outside world. For examples,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
want to look cool in the eyes of their friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
concert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
to a popular singer or band. Their relationship with their families would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with that purpose. There can be a chance that occur thievery from these young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
if they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their demand.
For instance
, if their families don’t provide them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
, they will steal cash from their parents.

On the other hand
, releasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
by attending these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is claimed
to be an advantage for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
Therefore
, they can enjoy the excited atmosphere of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
without minding about how much they spend on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
Furthermore
, when having an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
mind, they can perform better in their work and study.

To
be concluded
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
cash on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
to have fun in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a benefit in a short period of time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
relationship and behavior can be dame
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of unreasonable amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to participate in.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
carefully
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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