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Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v.2

Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v. 2
At the present time, spending a lot of money on leisure activities becomes new direction. People have different perspectives regarding this tendency. I totally agree with those who are against this trend. On one hand, those who support this wave believe that it has several positive effects on both of society and residents. With regards to community, the income of these activities could support society by providing the charity originations and poor people with a considerable amount of funding. For example, after a Katrina tornado in the USA, several concerts have been organized to give a financial support to community, in order to be reconstructed. With respect to public, attending high class recreational activities, please most of people, as a consequence, rich residents have the privilege to spend their salary as they want. Ultimately, all people are working hard to earn money and spend it to please themselves. On the other hand, I would side by the opponents of this modern tendency who illustrate that spending insensible amount of cash on entertainment events is a waste of financial savings. Instead of waste their salary, those residents could turn to aid their country and give a hand to others. To illustrate, giving one thousand dollars to poor individuals would be more beneficial than spend the same quantity of cash on attending matches or concerts. In addition to that, this direction makes necessitous residents more irritated by seeing others spending money they keen to have on unnecessary activities. In conclusion, however, the trend of spending a high amount of cash on useless activities is considered by some to have negative effects on society and public, other people reclaim that there are considerable merits of this tendency should be taken into account. In my personal opinion, I find the demerits of this trend outweigh its benefits.
At the present time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
becomes new direction.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives regarding this tendency. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who are against this trend.

On one hand, those who support this wave believe that it has several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on both of society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
community, the income of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could support society by providing the charity originations and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a considerable amount of funding.
For example
, after a Katrina tornado in the USA, several concerts have
been organized
to give a financial support to community, in order to
be reconstructed
. With respect to public, attending high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, as a consequence, rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
have the privilege to spend their salary as they want.
Ultimately
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn money and spend it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
themselves.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I would side by the opponents of this modern tendency who illustrate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
insensible amount of cash on entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is a waste of financial savings.
Instead
of waste their salary, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
could turn to aid their country and give a hand to others. To illustrate, giving one thousand dollars to poor individuals would be more beneficial than spend the same quantity of cash on attending matches or concerts.
In addition
to that, this direction
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
necessitous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residents
more irritated by seeing others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
money they keen to have on unnecessary activities.

In conclusion
,
however
, the trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
a high amount of cash on useless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on society and public,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reclaim that there are considerable merits of this tendency should
be taken
into account.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my personal opinion, I find the demerits of this trend outweigh its benefits.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this a positive or negative trend? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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