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These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.9

These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 9
Recently, the introduction of advanced ways of communication has brought the globe into one small village, but despite this fact, there are still some people who think that this advancement in telecommunication has many drawbacks. Although it is much more convenient to contact someone living far away through the internet, some individuals think that communication itself lost its emotional value. No one can deny that it is much easier now to reach to a relative who lives in a different continent, which is why many people nowadays consider a smartphone to be one of the essential gadgets to carry around while travelling. For instance, if someone is travelling to a different country to attend university, his family members can effortlessly check his updates through social networking websites. In addition, the internet not only makes communication between people easier, but also makes it more accessible to receive worldwide news. However, many people believe that communicating through virtual means resulted in a significant loss of emotions. That is to say, when speaking on the phone to a friend who needs emotional support, you do not really get the chance to enjoy the pleasure of physical contact which is indeed a crucial matter. Furthermore, many studies have been made to prove the importance of physical means of interaction such as hugging and shaking hands. In conclusion, it seems reasonable to suggest that the recent advancement in communication is of great benefit to many people. Though there might be some drawbacks to using these recent methods of communication, the positive outcomes of bringing people who live far away from one another and the convenience it brings to reach out for anyone living anywhere in the world makes the internet certainly a more advantageous tool.
Recently, the introduction of advanced ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
has brought the globe into one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
despite this fact, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this advancement in telecommunication has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks. Although it is much more convenient to contact someone
With the word 'someone' in a subjunctive clause, use the base form of a verb: "live".
living
far away through the internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
itself lost its emotional value.

No one can deny that it is much easier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
to reach to a relative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
continent, which is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays consider a smartphone to be one of the essential gadgets to carry around while travelling.
For instance
, if someone is travelling to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
country to attend university, his family members can
effortlessly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
his updates through social networking websites.
In addition
, the internet not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
easier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it more accessible to receive worldwide news.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that communicating through virtual means resulted in a significant loss of emotions.
That is
to say, when speaking on the phone to a friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
needs emotional support, you do not
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance to enjoy the pleasure of physical contact which is
indeed
a crucial matter.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
studies have
been made
to prove the importance of physical means of interaction such as hugging and shaking hands.

In conclusion
, it seems reasonable to suggest that the recent advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
is of great benefit to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Though there might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks to using these recent methods of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes of bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away from one another and the convenience it brings to reach out for anyone living anywhere in the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the internet
certainly
a more advantageous tool.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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