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These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3
There has been a major shift in how people communicate with each other. Mobile phones and the internet play an integral role in day to day communication among people.  I believe that the benefits of this development outweigh the drawbacks. To start with, increase In the usage of mobile phones and internet for interaction among people has various merits. It helps us to communicate with loves ones who live miles apart.  For instance, these days, many people live in different countries or go travelling in different countries. Cell phones and the internet mean that parents can easily keep in touch with their children who are on holiday and people who immigrate to live abroad can easily communicate with their loved ones when needed. In addition to this, the internet means that people also interact with strangers and increase their knowledge of other cultures because through such things as Facebook, people connect to all sorts of people around the world, becoming friends and also discussing and exchanging knowledge. However, there are downsides to this.  Nowadays people may have become disconnected in relation to conversing with each other face-to-face. People now tend to use their cell phones or the internet to communicate, but rather than actually speaking, they send a message. Some of the most popular applications are WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, and Line, all of which encourage messaging. The result of this is that people may lack the benefits of engaging with others in conversation and the closeness this brings. In conclusion,  although a disadvantage of the internet and cell phones is the lack of face-to-face conversation, they have improved the way we can stay in contact with loved ones and exchange ideas with new people. Overall then, this is a positive development for society.
There has been a major shift in how
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communicate
with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Mobile
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phones
and the internet play an integral role in day to day communication among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.  I believe that the benefits of this development outweigh the drawbacks.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, increase In the usage of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and internet for interaction among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
various merits. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
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communicate
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
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ones
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
miles apart.  
For instance
, these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries or go travelling in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries. Cell
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phones
and the internet mean that parents can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with their children who are on holiday and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who immigrate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
abroad can
easily
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communicate
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
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ones
when needed.
In addition
to this, the internet means that
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people
also
interact with strangers and increase their knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
through such things as Facebook,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
connect to all sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world, becoming friends and
also
discussing and exchanging knowledge.

However
, there are downsides to this.  Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have become disconnected in relation to conversing with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
face-to-face.
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People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their cell
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phones
or the internet to
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communicate
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
than actually speaking, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a message.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of the most popular applications are WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, and Line, all of which encourage messaging. The result of this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may lack the benefits of engaging with others in conversation and the closeness this brings.

In conclusion
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
although a disadvantage of the internet and cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is the lack of face-to-face conversation, they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the way we can stay in contact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
and exchange
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
with new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Overall
then, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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