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These days many children spend a lot of their time playing computer games but little time doing sports. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? v.3

These days many children spend a lot of their time playing computer games but little time doing sports. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? v. 3
Nowadays, the numbers of children spending their leisure playing computer games are increasing, while decreasing day for sport. In my opinion, this trend will have negative results in the future, and in this essay I will discuss about why and how it has occurred. Technology has considerably developed throughout this 10 years, which brings about many new equipment, for instance, computer games, smart phones, and most important one, internet. Additionally the way children raised up is far more different from the past, which makes children have different lifestyles from our ages, for example, children can easily use computer or smart phone with internet to connect with the people around the world, which can let them have many new friends and connections, so the children have more pleasure by playing computer instead of doing something else, moreover, they can do variety of entertainment on the internet: reading free novels, establishing community, watching movies, even playing e-sport can be done. Eventually, they would not want to do what they think might bore, for instance, doing fun. However, this trend of increasing playing computer for children's free day might be a negative for development. It is true that playing computer has many benefits, but also, there are drawbacks. Sit-in the same position for a long period of time may cause you some fitness problems, specifically, backache, or office syndrome. Furthermore when used computer they have to stare at computer screen which can cause eye problem, in particular, myopia. In contrast, doing sport can be many benefits over just playing computer not only for health issue, but also real-life interaction with people. In conclusion, I think both playing computer and doing sport has both benefits and drawbacks. Children should balance their time to spend on playing computer and doing sport, in spite of just playing computer, which can cause many health problems. Furthermore playing sport may beneficial to their health, and eventually, their real-life interaction.
Nowadays, the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer games are increasing, while decreasing day for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. In my opinion, this trend will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results in the future, and in this essay I will
Did you mean simply "discuss why"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about why
and how it has occurred.

Technology has
considerably
developed throughout this 10 years, which brings about
Possible agreement error. The noun equipment seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much new equipment", "a good deal of new equipment".
many new equipment
,
for instance
, computer games, smart phones, and most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one, internet.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Additionally
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
raised up is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from the past, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
lifestyles from our ages,
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computer or smart phone with internet to connect with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the world, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new friends and connections,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more pleasure by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
something else,
moreover
, they can do variety of entertainment on the internet: reading free novels, establishing community, watching movies, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
e-sport can
be done
.
Eventually
, they would not want to do what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
might bore,
for instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
fun.

However
, this trend of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer for children's free day might be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
for development. It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, there are drawbacks. Sit-in the same position for a long period of time may cause you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fitness problems,
specifically
, backache, or office syndrome.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
computer they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stare at computer screen which can cause eye problem,
in particular
, myopia.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for health issue,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
real-life interaction with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has both benefits and drawbacks.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should balance their time to spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer, which can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
may beneficial to their health, and
eventually
, their real-life interaction.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay These days many children spend a lot of their time playing computer games but little time doing sports. Why is this? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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