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Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others, however, disagree and say that music is merely a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and state your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others, however, disagree and say that music is merely a form of entertainment. v. 2
It is often argued that the art is required to live our life happy. Some people might say that music becomes a significant role in the community while others claim that it is a part of entertainment. In my opinion, music is necessary in our life. This essay will address the both views about how music affects people. First of all, music is effective to people’s lifestyle. When individuals listen and play music, their stress would be disappeared mentally and physically. For example, when they listen the songs which are favourite their brain might be healed and also they feel energetic during the using of musical instrument. Moreover, inhabitants could enjoy their leisure time such as taking part in the festivals because music is vital for the festivals. Therefore, the benefit of society will be improved by enjoyable people’s lifestyle. On the other hand, music is not the only one for entertaining. Not only music but also the others such as painting and drawings are existing as an art. The other things are also useful to the community because a group of people who do not like music prefer to play those kinds of entertainment. For instance, they might enjoy painting because music sometimes leads some social issues such as the creation of noisy sound. In other words, music seems like having a controversy. There are many ways to enjoy the entertainment more than playing music. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that some problems happen we need to encourage the society to use music more than before. I believe that there will be more developments in the future about it.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the art
is required
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
our life happy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
becomes a significant role in the community while others claim that it is a part of entertainment. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is necessary in our life. This essay will address the both views about how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
affects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is effective to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
lifestyle. When individuals listen and play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
would
be disappeared
mentally and
physically
.
For example
, when they listen the songs which are
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
their brain might
be healed
and
also
they feel energetic during the using of musical instrument.
Moreover
, inhabitants could enjoy their leisure time such as taking part in the festivals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is vital for the festivals.
Therefore
, the benefit of society will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
lifestyle.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one for entertaining. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the others such as painting and drawings are existing as an art. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things are
also
useful to the community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
prefer to play those kinds of entertainment.
For instance
, they might enjoy painting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
leads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social issues such as the creation of noisy sound. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
seems like having a controversy. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to enjoy the entertainment more than playing music.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems happen we need to encourage the society to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. I believe that there will be more developments in the future about it.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others, however, disagree and say that music is merely a form of entertainment. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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