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These days celebrities earn more than politician, … Is it a good trend or not? v.1

These days celebrities earn more than politician, … Is it a good trend or not? v. 1
These days’ celebrities invariably earn higher wages than politicians. In my opinion, this is the result of technological growth in the entertainment industry and it is a positive development because politics should not be a means to gain a fortune. Nowadays, because of increasing cinema's products income celebrities earn more money in comparison to the past. Nowadays, due to technological advances and its consequences such as improving the quality of photographs and videos we have been witnessing a tremendous appeal to the cinema and its products such as movies and series, etc. Moreover, the Internet and its advantages such as video streaming sites that require a monthly or annual account lead to increasing celebrity incomes. In a competitive society, we cannot criticize and blame them for being successful. On the other hand, although politicians have great responsibilities towards their countries, usually they do not have extraordinary abilities to be deserving of more wages in comparison to other people. But we should give them a little bit more than the average wage of other ordinary people to avoid corruption, but still must not be an astronomical income. Also in a flourished and democratic society, people receive income, according to their abilities and functions, so we ought to consider that, whether or not politicians have an appropriate function to worth give them more wages. In conclusion, celebrities make more money due to the advent of the media age and politicians should not be jealous of their wealth. Unfortunately, many politicians are selfishly compelled by economic gain when they ought to be more self-interested in terms of their role in public life.
These days’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
invariably
earn higher wages than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. In my opinion, this is the result of technological growth in the entertainment industry and it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
politics should not be a means to gain a fortune.

Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of increasing cinema's products
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
earn more money
in comparison
to the past. Nowadays, due to technological advances and its consequences such as improving the quality of photographs and videos we have been witnessing a tremendous appeal to the cinema and its products such as movies and series, etc.
Moreover
, the Internet and its advantages such as video streaming sites that require a monthly or annual account lead to increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
incomes
. In a competitive society, we cannot criticize and blame them for being successful.

On the other hand
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
have great responsibilities towards their countries,
usually
they do not have extraordinary abilities to
The verb 'deserving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
be deserving
of more wages
in comparison
to other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
we should give them a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
more than the average wage of other ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to avoid corruption,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be an astronomical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
.
Also
in a flourished and democratic society,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
, according to their abilities and functions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we ought to consider that,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
have an appropriate function to worth give them more wages.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money due to the advent of the media age and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
should not be jealous of their wealth. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are
selfishly
compelled by economic gain when they ought to be more self-interested in terms of their role in public life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay These days celebrities earn more than politician, … Is it a good trend or not? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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