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In some countries celebrity earn more than a senior politician what are the reason is this a positive or negative development v.1

In some countries celebrity earn more than a senior politician what are the reason is this a positive or negative development v. 1
In modern scenario, many Nations pay of celebrities is substantially more as compared to politicians. I think it is a negative development overall. To begin with, why celebrities salary is more than leader foremost, these days, they are doing something extraordinary task and do extremely hard trial for their growth, due to the society spot them. Secondly, artist career span is short, they do their jobs approximately 15 to 20 years. It is also seen that after career time their production is a full stop. Celebrities can not receive any pension likely other works. Thus, sometime because of it, they might go into depression. One issue of this is that lawmaker does not give full effort in their works due to less salary what if the earnings of legislator appropriate they do. For example, in Dubai present under 1. 5 million per year, which is a more than many other Nations. As a result, president give comprehensive service to society. So, officeholder does not need to do work for black money because of sufficient wage. Furthermore, the senator has to sacrifice to lots of things such as they do not have time for themselves, their family and also they have risk of life from Anti Social elements. They are always surrounded by paparazzi. So, cannot enjoy life like a common man. Thus, should be paid more as they are not less than any other celebrities. To sum up, there are many Reason by why the celebrity is earning a lot of more than a leader. I believe this discrepancy is negative on the whole.
In modern scenario,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Nations pay of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is
substantially
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to politicians. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development
overall
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
salary is more than leader foremost, these days, they are doing something extraordinary task and do
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
trial for their growth, due to the society spot them.
Secondly
, artist career span is short, they do their jobs approximately 15 to 20 years. It is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that after career time their production is a full
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
can not receive any pension likely other works.
Thus
, sometime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it, they might go into depression.

One issue of this is that lawmaker does not give full effort in their works due to less salary what if the earnings of legislator appropriate they do.
For example
, in Dubai present under 1. 5 million per year, which is a more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other Nations.
As a result
, president give comprehensive service to society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, officeholder does not need to do work for black money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of sufficient wage.

Furthermore
, the senator
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
sacrifice to lots of things such as they do not have time for themselves, their family and
also
they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of life from
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
Anti Social
elements. They are always surrounded by paparazzi.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, cannot enjoy life like a common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
.
Thus
, should
be paid
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
they are not less than any other celebrities.

To sum up, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Reason by why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
is earning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
more than a leader. I believe this discrepancy is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
on the whole
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries celebrity earn more than a senior politician what are the reason is this a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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