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There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole? v.1

There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole? v. 1
The life expectancy of older people in many states is escalating continuously globally. This essay states that this trend has detrimental effects on the civilians by increasing the unemployment rate, and acute financial pressure on the government. The job scarcity has been increasing due to people’s long lives. In other words, the employees, working for a long time, are considered more experienced and have more opportunities for employment even after retirement, like military people. As a repercussion of this, the employers give more priority to the experienced ones and fresh graduates have to face the adverse effects in the shape of poverty. For example, the recent survey done by the “World Bank”, on “Human Resource Development” projects, states that more than 45% of joblessness is just because of the rehiring process of the retired personnel in different fields. Furthermore, the long lives of civilians are prone to develop higher financial pressure on the government. This is because, the government has to spend money on different health facilities and give some tax exemptions to the senior members of the society, consequently. Moreover, the government has to provide them shelter and food, like building senior daycare centers. As a result, these old aged people put a strain on the budget and the country is subjected to acute economic austerity. To illustrate, in China, the government spare more than 20% of their budget to the National Senior Day Care Services Association and the same proportion to the health facilities that can be spent on developing of nation’s businesses. To conclude, older people are likely to have longer lives in many nations worldwide. Looking from my vantage point, I can say that this rising shift is vulnerable to the country because of high unemployment and financial pressure.
The life expectancy of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
states is escalating
continuously
globally. This essay states that this trend has detrimental effects on the civilians by increasing the unemployment rate, and acute financial pressure on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

The job scarcity has been increasing due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
long
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
In other words
, the employees, working for a long time,
are considered
more experienced and have more opportunities for employment even after retirement, like military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As a repercussion of this, the employers give more priority to the experienced ones and fresh graduates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face the adverse effects in the shape of poverty.
For example
, the recent survey done by the “World Bank”, on “Human Resource Development” projects, states that more than 45% of joblessness is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the rehiring process of the retired personnel in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields.

Furthermore
, the long
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of civilians are prone to develop higher financial pressure on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spend money on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
health facilities and give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tax exemptions to the senior members of the society,
consequently
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
provide them shelter and food, like building senior daycare centers.
As a result
, these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put a strain on the budget and the country
is subjected
to acute economic austerity. To illustrate, in China, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spare more than 20% of their budget to the National Senior Day Care Services Association and the same proportion to the health facilities that can
be spent
on developing of nation’s businesses.

To conclude
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are likely to have longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations worldwide. Looking from my vantage point, I can say that this rising shift is vulnerable to the country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high unemployment and financial pressure.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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