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The number of old people around the world is increasing dramatically. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society? or…Do the advantages of the trend outweigh the disadvantages? or…Is this a positive development? v.3

The number of old people around the world is increasing dramatically. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society? or…Do the advantages of the trend outweigh the disadvantages? or…Is this a positive development? v. 3
The rapid development of technology has prolonged people' s life than ever before, leading to the discussion about the effects on society coming from these ageing populations. Some peoples, especially working adults, keep a negative attitude toward these elderly while others believe that they can influence our society in beneficial way. Whilst both sides do have compelling arguments, I believe that the advantages is outweighed the disadvantages. Undoubtedly, these old peoples are not appealing to society in term of financial point of view. Generally speaking, healthcare, accommodation and transportation are the major concern among the elderly. All of these will exaggerate the financial pressure on society as government has to allocate extra budget to cater their needs and extra tax will be inevitably added on the young working adults. This also reveal why the working adults are not fond of this change. However, contrary to extra burden added on the society, this ageing group can practically give back to it. Deliberately thinking back why the old people is increasing, it is because the elderly is healthier than in the past and are able to continue their work after retirement age. Like the case in Hong Kong, the retirement age has long been postponed from 60 to 65, thus allowing this working group to continue generating revenue to the city. In traditional Chinese society, there is a adage saying that the elderly is a treasure to the family. The visceral understand of this proverb is that we should cherish our elderly and their knowledgeable experience is extremely useful to all of us. Government and school should work with local community and invite them to share their experience to our young generation so as to keep their knowledge into our offspring. Admittedly, the elderly indeed have some side effect on society. However, their positive side can certainly compensate or even more their negative side. Personally speaking, our elderly contribute their life to create the society we currently have. Hence, this is our responsibility and obligation to take care of them.
The rapid development of technology has prolonged
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s life than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, leading to the discussion about the effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
coming from these
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
populations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
adults,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitude toward these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
while others believe that they can influence our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in beneficial way. Whilst both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sides
do have compelling arguments, I believe that the advantages
is outweighed
the disadvantages.

Undoubtedly
, these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
are not appealing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in term of financial point of view.
Generally
speaking, healthcare, accommodation and transportation are the major concern among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
. All of these will exaggerate the financial pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
allocate extra budget to cater their needs and extra tax will be
inevitably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
on the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
adults. This
also
reveal why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
adults are not fond of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.

However
, contrary to extra burden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, this
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
group can
practically
give back to it.
Deliberately
thinking back why the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
increasing, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is healthier than in the past and are able to continue their work after retirement age. Like the case in Hong Kong, the retirement age has long
been postponed
from 60 to 65,
thus
allowing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
group to continue generating revenue to the city.

In traditional Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, there is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
adage saying that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
is a treasure to the family. The visceral
The word 'rebrand' is not a noun. Did you mean "understanding"?
understand
of this proverb is that we should cherish our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
and their knowledgeable experience is
extremely
useful to all of us.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and school should work with local community and invite them to share their experience to our young generation
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their knowledge into our offspring.

Admittedly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
indeed
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
side effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
However
, their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side can
certainly
compensate or even more their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side.
Personally
speaking, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
contribute their life to create the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
we
currently
have.
Hence
, this is our responsibility and obligation to take care of them.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay The number of old people around the world is increasing dramatically. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society? or…Do the advantages of the trend outweigh the disadvantages? or…Is this a positive development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
338 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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