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The qualities that a truly successful person in our modern life has cannot be learned at universities and similar academic institutions. To what extent do you agree? v.2

The qualities that a truly successful person in our modern life has cannot be learned at universities and similar academic institutions. v. 2
It is argued by some people that attributes needed to be successful today cannot be learned in colleges and other educational institutions. I agree with this notion because qualities needed for success are inborn and are developed by the right upbringing. Firstly, the qualities needed for success today are innate. In other words, only people with the right genetic make-up can develop qualities such as intelligence, resilience and high attention span. For instance, many famous scientists were born with higher intelligent quotient compared to other people, which is responsible for their being successful. Although, many people attend universities, it is only those who have certain inborn attributes that are successful. Furthermore, qualities needed for success in life are developed when a person have the proper upbringing. This is due to the fact that a person with the right environmental and behavioral exposure is likely to form attributes that are essential for success. For example, a person who is surrounded by members of the family and friends that are accomplished would likely be successful compared to a person who does not have these benefits even if both attended the same academic institution. Therefore, proper upbringing would contribute to the development of qualities seen in accomplished people. In conclusion, although some people are of the view that a person need to attend an academic institution in order to learn important qualities for success, I believe that the qualities needed to be truly successful are developed by an interplay of nature and upbringing.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that attributes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
cannot
be learned
in colleges and other educational institutions. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
are inborn and
are developed
by the right upbringing.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are innate.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with the right genetic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
-up can develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
such as intelligence, resilience and high attention span.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
scientists
were born
with higher intelligent quotient compared to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which is responsible for their being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attend universities, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
those who have certain inborn attributes that are successful.

Furthermore
,
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qualities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in life
are developed
when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "has".
have
the proper upbringing.
This is due to the fact that
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
with the right environmental and behavioral exposure is likely to form attributes that are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who
is surrounded
by members of the family and friends that
are accomplished
would likely be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
compared to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who does not have these benefits even if both attended the same academic institution.
Therefore
, proper upbringing would contribute to the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in accomplished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the view that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
need to attend an academic institution in order to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needed
to be
truly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
are developed
by an interplay of nature and upbringing.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The qualities that a truly successful person in our modern life has cannot be learned at universities and similar academic institutions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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