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There are many problems caused by mobile phones. What are the advantages of mobile phones? What are the disadvantages? v.2

There are many problems caused by mobile phones. What are the advantages of mobile phones? What are the disadvantages? v. 2
There are those who think that scholastic achievement is based upon having exemplary and qualified pedagogues while others think it is derived from mental fortitude. In this essay, I am going to examine both points of view and then give my perspective on the matter. On one side of the argument, there are some people who argue the benefits of qualified instructors considerably outweigh individual efforts. The main reason for believing this is that competent teachers know where to focus on learning in the short term to get the best result. It is also possible to say they can provide the most effective comprehension for students in some fields. A good illustration of this is when I studied English in South Korea, good teachers always emphasized the importance of having actual English conversations rather than reading grammar books. On the other hand, it is also possible to make the opposing case. It is often argued that in fact, people can be successful by studying by themselves. People often believe this opinion because they believe students must stand on their own two feet in the long run even though they started learning theory with a bit of help. A second point is that not every teacher is able to establish a rapport with every student. A particularly good example here is that the special football manager, such as Jose Mourinho, who nurtured a few world-class footballers might be the worst for some footballers. In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance, however, I feel that individual efforts are more crucial than being taught by great teachers because students can make a difference themselves and 'good' mentors cannot be 'good' for everyone. Given this situation, it is recommended for students to have a regular time set aside for daily self-education, thinking of what methods can be the best suited to them.
There are those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that scholastic achievement
is based
upon having exemplary and qualified pedagogues while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it
is derived
from mental fortitude. In this essay, I am going to examine both points of view and then give my perspective on the matter.

On one side of the argument, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue the benefits of qualified instructors
considerably
outweigh individual efforts. The main reason for believing this is that competent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
know where to focus on learning in the short term to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the best result. It is
also
possible to say they can provide the most effective comprehension for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is when I studied English in South Korea,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
always emphasized the importance of having actual English conversations
rather
than reading grammar books.

On the other hand
, it is
also
possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the opposing case. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that in fact,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can be successful by studying by themselves.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believe this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
stand on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
two feet in the long run
even though
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
learning theory with a bit of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. A second point is that not every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
is able to establish a rapport with every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
. A
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example here is that the special football manager, such as Jose Mourinho, who nurtured a few world-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
footballers might be the worst for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
footballers.

In conclusion
, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance,
however
, I feel that individual efforts are more crucial than
being taught
by great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference themselves and '
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
' mentors cannot be '
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
' for everyone.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
this situation, it
is recommended
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to have a regular time set aside for daily self-education, thinking of what methods can be the best suited to them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay There are many problems caused by mobile phones. What are the advantages of mobile phones? What are the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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