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The world of work is changing rapidly, so people cannot always depend on their jobs. What are the reasons of such a phenomenon and offer some measures to solve it. Should we welcome these changes? v.1

The world of work is changing rapidly, so people cannot always depend on their jobs. What are the reasons of such a phenomenon and offer some measures to solve it. Should we welcome these changes? v. 1
The issue of whether grandparents should live with their extended families is partly a question of the traditions in different cultures or nationalities. However, the question of affordability also plays an increasing part, and so this debate is rather complex, as we shall see. On the one hand, those who support the idea of grandparents living with their children point to the highest level of emotional support which all family members may receive in such situations, for example in times of crisis such as bereavement. Furthermore, it is also true that personal security may be increased, offering protection against such problems as accidents or even robbery. Finally, it seems that extended family life will also be considerably less costly, for instance with lower food and utility bills, meaning that enjoyment of life may be higher. By contrast, supporters of grandparents living independently often state that elderly people should be encouraged to be as self-reliant as possible, as this boosts their self-esteem and may guard against mental decline in old age. They also say, with some merit, that many younger families these days do not have the housing space, or indeed the spare time, which is necessary to care properly for older members. As a last point, it is also true that many grandparents prefer to see their grandchildren on a less frequent basis (as opposed to every day), making these visits most special and cherished for all concerned. Overall, it appears to me that the stronger argument is in favour of grandparents living independently, with all the advantages of self-reliance and separate space. This is provided that their health and finances allow them to continue living separately, without the risk or the fear of isolation.
The issue of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
is partly a question of the traditions in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures or nationalities.
However
, the question of affordability
also
plays an increasing part, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this debate is
rather
complex, as we shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.

On the one hand, those who support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
with their children point to the highest level of emotional support which all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members may receive in such situations,
for example
in times of crisis such as bereavement.
Furthermore
, it is
also
true that personal security may
be increased
, offering protection against such problems as accidents or even robbery.
Finally
, it seems that extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life will
also
be
considerably
less costly,
for instance
with lower food and utility bills, meaning that enjoyment of life may be higher.

By contrast, supporters of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
independently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
state that elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be encouraged
to be as self-reliant as possible, as this boosts their self-esteem and may guard against mental decline in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. They
also
say, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merit, that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
these days do not have the housing space, or
indeed
the spare time, which is necessary to care
properly
for older members. As a last point, it is
also
true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their grandchildren on a less frequent basis (as opposed
Did you mean "to everyday"?
to every day
), making these visits most special and cherished for all concerned.

Overall
, it appears to me that the stronger argument is in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
independently
, with all the advantages of self-reliance and separate space. This
is provided
that their health and finances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to continue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
separately
, without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
or the fear of isolation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The world of work is changing rapidly, so people cannot always depend on their jobs. What are the reasons of such a phenomenon and offer some measures to solve it. Should we welcome these changes? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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