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There are many different types of music in the world. Why do we need music? is traditional music of a country is more important than the international that is heard everywhere in the world v.1

There are many different types of music in the world. Why do we need music? is traditional music of a country is more important than the international that is heard everywhere in the world v. 1
Music has always been used by humanity since ancient times. It was used not only as a form of relaxation, but also as an expression of culture. However, from the perspective of some individuals, humanity should forget traditional music and listen to only modern one. Music plays a key role in everyone's life. First of all, it is used to boost up one's mood, when one feels downcast. Secondly, a person may use music to relieve his or her boredom. What I mean by this is that, when a person is in a long term journey or a flight, music could be the way to chill out. In addition, music could be the way of income. Singers gather a huge stadium of audience and give them concerts Traditional music has been developed for decades, it went from one generation to another. It helps societies to remember and retain their cultural and national identity. Moreover, every culture has its own traditional music, which is unique and we should keep it and pass it to our next generation On the other hand, the infers prefer listening to contemporary music to traditional music, which usually comes to our societies from the Western societies that are unusual in our Uzbek culture as well as music. Owning to the fact that modern music is more familiar to the younger generation and their lifestyle, they are prone to listen to it. That kind of music, provides enjoyment and pleasure as well to them All in all, in my point of view, both: traditional and modern music should be in our society. And we should never forget our traditional music which comes to our modern world from past and history. And I truly believe that traditional music and international have the same value for countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
has always been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by humanity since ancient times. It was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
as a form of relaxation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
as an expression of culture.
However
, from the perspective of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals, humanity should forget
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and listen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
one.

Music plays a key role in everyone's life.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to boost up one's mood, when one feels downcast.
Secondly
, a person may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to relieve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
boredom. What I mean by this is that, when a person is in a long term journey or a flight,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could be the way to chill out.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could be the way of income. Singers gather a huge stadium of audience and give them
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
concerts


Traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has
been developed
for decades, it went from one generation to another. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
to remember and retain their cultural and national identity.
Moreover
, every culture has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unique and
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
it and pass it to our
next
generation

On the other hand
, the infers prefer listening to contemporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
from the Western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
that are unusual in our Uzbek culture
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Owning to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is more familiar to the younger generation and their lifestyle, they are prone to listen to it. That kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, provides enjoyment and pleasure
as well
to
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
them


All in all, in my point of view, both:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should be in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. And we should never forget our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
world from past and history. And I
truly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and international have the same value for
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
countries
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay There are many different types of music in the world. Why do we need music? is traditional music of a country is more important than the international that is heard everywhere in the world v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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