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The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, where at the same time, the military services are in need of people. Compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer, and include any revelent examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words. v.1

The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, where at the same time, the military services are in need of people. Compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary. with this statement? v. 1
The issue of whether the teenagers must join the essential army service or not is certainly a controversial topic. Despite some people argued that it is pros outweighed cons. I personally disagree with that. The following examples will illustrate my point of views. Firstly, based on the economic value, army facilities can be replaced human beings not only for the duration of function but also the expanse. In one word, it can fulfill the demands of people. For example, government can purchase the high-tech tank or automatic weapon which is controlled by machine and they can be operated properly more than a real human being. In addition, a well-trained army takes around 3 to 5 years to finish their training while the automatic weapon can be operated right after we purchased it. Moreover, citizens need to pay for a well-trained army salary until he passes away. In my opinion, I would like to pay tax for long-term used facilities rather than an army. Secondly, I generally believe that teenagers should attend schools to acquire knowledge instead of join military. As like the topic mentioned about, most of the children in the world are without occupations and talents for employment and join military cannot provide them a well education to gain more practical skills to find a proper job. For instance, a study showed that a teenager who joined military did not acquire any general knowledge while the others who went to school obtained a numerous skill from educational center and they found a proper job afterward. It goes without saying that joining the compulsory military service for children is not beneficial for them, instead, it is a somewhat negative. In summary, I once again reaffirm my position that I disagree necessary military activity is positive and essential for teenagers. On the contrary, I believe that it is not an appropriate way to do so based on economic value and the importance of education for youth.
The issue of whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
service or not is
certainly
a controversial topic. Despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argued that it is pros outweighed cons. I
personally
disagree with that. The following examples will illustrate my point of views.

Firstly
, based on the economic value,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
facilities can
be replaced
human beings not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the duration of function
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the expanse. In one word, it can fulfill the demands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the high-tech tank or automatic weapon which
is controlled
by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
machine and
they can
be operated
properly
more than a real human being.
In addition
, a well-trained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
takes around 3 to 5 years to finish their training while the automatic weapon can
be operated
right after we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
it.
Moreover
, citizens need to pay for a well-trained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
salary until he passes away. In my opinion, I would like to pay tax for long-term
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
facilities
rather
than an army.

Secondly
, I
generally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should attend schools to acquire knowledge
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
military. As like the topic
Did you mean simply "mentioned ,"? You do not need the word "about" here.
mentioned about,
most of the children in the world are without occupations and talents for employment and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
military cannot provide them a well education to gain more practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to find a proper job.
For instance
, a study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
military did not acquire any general knowledge while the others who went to school obtained a numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
from educational
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
center and
they found a proper job afterward. It goes without saying that joining the compulsory military service for children is not beneficial for them,
instead
, it is a somewhat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

In summary, I once again reaffirm my position that I disagree necessary military activity is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
On the contrary
, I believe that it is not an appropriate way to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
based on economic value and the importance of education for youth.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, where at the same time, the military services are in need of people. Compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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