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The younger generation is mainly responsible for the latest technological developments. How far do you agree? v.2

The younger generation is mainly responsible for the latest technological developments. How far do you agree? v. 2
There is a controversial issue about who is in charge of innovations in technology. Some politicians state that young people should take this responsibility. However, some computer scholars argue that they should be exempted from this burden. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view and agree with the idea of not making growing population accountable for this. Let us start with reasons why some politicians advocate that young people should take accountability for technological improvements. The first factor is that they have faster cognitive skills. Unlike older generation, youngsters tend to learn as well as develop technology quickly, since they naturally take everything new as part of either a game or competition. Another cause is that they are more energetic. Young people frequently work harder, because they have not suffered much from mental disorders, such as stress and insomnia, which commonly make older people get tired earlier. After analyzing, it is clear that young people should be accountable for technological growth. Nevertheless, some computer scientists state that youngsters should be free from this commitment. They justify their opinion with the following arguments. Firstly, young people should concentrate on other obligations. Students, for example, should focus on study and future employment, so that they can apply for high-paid jobs and then maintain their own families, but the responsibility for technological improvement would distract them from these basic needs. Secondly, they also can share this obligation with older population. As well as young people, their parents can contribute to the creation of technology, for they have both much time, experience and effort to invent fresh ideas and solutions. After considering, it is obvious that young people should not be made obligatory for innovation. In conclusion, even though some politicians say that young people should adopt the major responsibility for technological improvements, I think that they should be released from this task for the above mentioned arguments.
There is a controversial issue about who is in charge of innovations in technology.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
politicians state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take this responsibility.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
computer scholars argue that they should
be exempted
from this burden. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of not making growing population accountable for this.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
politicians advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take accountability for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
improvements. The
first
factor is that they have faster cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Unlike older generation, youngsters tend to learn
as well
as develop technology
quickly
, since they
naturally
take everything new as part of either a game or competition. Another cause is that they are more energetic.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
frequently
work harder,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have not suffered much from mental disorders, such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and insomnia, which
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired earlier. After analyzing, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be accountable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
growth.

Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
computer scientists state that youngsters should be free from this commitment. They justify their opinion with the following arguments.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should concentrate on other obligations. Students,
for example
, should focus on study and future employment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can apply for high-paid jobs and then maintain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
families,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the responsibility for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
improvement would distract them from these basic needs.
Secondly
, they
also
can share this obligation with older population.
As well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, their parents can contribute to the creation of technology, for they have both much time, experience and effort to invent fresh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and solutions. After considering, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
be made
obligatory for innovation.

In conclusion
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
politicians say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should adopt the major responsibility for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
improvements, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should
be released
from this task for the above mentioned arguments.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay The younger generation is mainly responsible for the latest technological developments. How far do you agree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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