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The woman expresses her opinion about the student's proposal. Briefly summarize the proposal. Then state her opinion about the proposal and explain the reasons she gives for holding that opinion. v.2

The woman expresses her opinion about the student's proposal. Briefly summarize the proposal. Then state her opinion about the proposal and explain the reasons she gives for holding that opinion. v. 2
Peoples opinions differ as to whether or not it is advisable for children to raise an animal as their pet. Some suggest that raising domestic animals will teach children to be responsible and they can make a bond with them. I believe that children are prone to get infected by domestic animals and therefore they should not be allowed to handle pets. On the one hand, domestic animals such as dogs and cats are quite attractive and children love to play with them. This especially helps children in developing their personality as they learn to respect other creatures on this planet. This will also make them show empathy towards other human beings. For instance, the Pediatric Health magazine published an interesting survey that more than 90 percent of children who own a pet exhibit care towards others and show no traces of violence when they grow up. On the contrary, domestic animals carry a lot of disease-causing bacteria and other parasitic worms which are quite dangerous to children as their immunity power is less compared to that of adults. Domestic animals roam around freely in contaminated areas and often pick up pathogens that are harmful to the children who come in close contact with them. To illustrate, the Vet Clinic in Boston stated that children who raise pets are twice likely to get rabies and other deadly diseases. Thus it is not advisable for children to keep pets. In summary, petting animals may teach children to show compassion towards other living creatures; however, there are health risks involved in doing so. Therefore, I strongly suggest that children should not be allowed to pet animals.
Peoples opinions differ
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
it is advisable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to raise an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
as their pet.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
suggest that raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
will teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsible and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a bond with them. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
infected by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and
therefore
they should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to handle pets.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
such as dogs and cats are quite attractive and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to play with them. This
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in developing their personality as they learn to respect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
creatures on this planet. This will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
empathy towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
human beings.
For instance
, the Pediatric Health magazine published an interesting survey that more than 90 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a pet exhibit care towards others and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
no traces of violence when they grow up.

On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
carry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disease-causing bacteria and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parasitic worms which are quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as their immunity power is less compared to that of adults.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
roam around
freely
in contaminated areas and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
pick up pathogens that are harmful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
in close contact with them. To illustrate, the Vet Clinic in Boston stated that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pets
are twice likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rabies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
deadly diseases.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is not advisable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
pets.

In summary, petting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
may teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
compassion towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
living creatures;
however
, there are health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
involved in doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
Therefore
, I
strongly
suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to pet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The woman expresses her opinion about the student's proposal. Briefly summarize the proposal. Then state her opinion about the proposal and explain the reasons she gives for holding that opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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