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It is the fact that eating too much is as detrimental as smoking, so the government should prohibit food product ads as they do with cigarettes. While I accept this measure is well-founded, I believe that it is unreasonable to forbid the advertisement of v.1

It is the fact that eating too much is as detrimental as smoking, so the government should prohibit food product ads as they do with cigarettes. While I accept this measure is well-founded, I believe that it is unreasonable to forbid the advertisement of v. 1
Investigation has found that, technology improved the way of corporate meetings, trainings and discussions are taking place through online, such as, using Skype, Email, Dropbox and an authorised website. I believe this has more benefits than drawbacks. On the one hand, conducting these kind of business activities may have major advantages. The first benefit is that, it saves time of travelling to work. One clear example is, when people go out to attend an important business work, they may face inconvenient situations such as, stuck in traffic for long periods of time. However, if people use the internet they can join the meeting anytime they want. Apparently, this online communication brings more facilities for people who are far away from home. For instance, when someone is on vacation, but there’s an emergency discussion that they have to make with their business partners. In that case, video conference would be a great way of communication with other members. What is more about this technological advancement, it helps people to share documents and files easily where they can edit the file if it is needed to be edited. On the other hand, attending business work on the internet sometimes difficult for people who have the technical limitations, especially elderly people may face problem joining the online conference. When they were young they did not have the chance of learning technology due to poor technological advancement. To illustrate, elderly people may have the difficulty using latest technology and software, in that situation the other members cannot communicate with them properly and will lose the track of their discussions. I believe, it will not make a successful meeting for a few people, but if they are trained well then that would be an effective communication way. To conclude, I would therefore argue that although there are disadvantages of the current technological advancement they are outweighed by the advantages. Online links will bring more merits than demerits in the near future.
Investigation has found that, technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the way of corporate meetings, trainings and discussions are taking place through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, such as, using Skype, Email, Dropbox and an
Possible spelling mistake. 'authorised' is British English.
authorised
website. I believe this has more benefits than drawbacks.

On the one hand, conducting
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
activities may have major advantages. The
first
benefit is that, it saves time of travelling to work. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example is, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go out to attend an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
work, they may face inconvenient situations such as, stuck in traffic for long periods of time.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the meeting anytime they want.
Apparently
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
communication brings more facilities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are far away from home.
For instance
, when someone is on vacation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there’s an emergency discussion that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
partners.
In that case
, video conference would be a great way of communication with other members.
What is more
about this technological advancement, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to share documents and files
easily
where they can edit the file if it
is needed
to
be edited
.

On the other hand
, attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
work on the internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have the technical limitations,
especially
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may face problem joining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
conference.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
they were young they did not have the chance of learning technology due to poor technological advancement. To illustrate, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have the difficulty using
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology and software, in that situation the other members cannot communicate with them
properly
and will lose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of their discussions. I believe, it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a successful meeting for a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they
are trained
well then that would be an effective communication way.

To conclude
, I would
therefore
argue that although there are disadvantages of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
technological advancement they
are outweighed
by the advantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
links will bring more merits than demerits in the near future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is the fact that eating too much is as detrimental as smoking, so the government should prohibit food product ads as they do with cigarettes. While I accept this measure is well-founded, I believe that it is unreasonable to forbid the advertisement of v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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