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The woman expresses her opinion about the announcement. State her opinion and explain the reasons that she gives for holding that opinion. v.1

The woman expresses her opinion about the announcement. State her opinion and explain the reasons that she gives for holding that opinion. v. 1
Certain people hold the opinion that those working in the entertainment industry are paid in excessive amounts. This essay completely agrees with this statement and I will discuss why with regards to factors such as their relevance in society as well as the job they do relative to the community. I will also discuss which other occupations I believe should be paid more. Entertainers are not an integral part of society as they do not help or grow the community in any way. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer in the world whose weekly wages are more than an average person makes in a year. Running for 90 minutes on a field cannot be compared to the righteous and valuable work done by other professionals such as doctors. It is for this reason that I believe the role of entertainers in society does not justify their earnings. There are various other professions who have a much greater impact on society, but their income is in no way reflective of this. Doctors are a prime example of this because every day they are working tirelessly to save lives, yet in comparison to the salaries of entertainers, their earnings are measly. Another consideration to take into account is that medical training is extensive as well as expensive. For these reasons, doctors are more deserving of high salaries, especially for the long hours and good work they do. Therefore, occupations such as those of doctors and teachers should be paid more because they deserve it based on their contribution to the public as well as humankind. In conclusion, those working in the entertainment industry earn far too much money, not only in relation to other professions, but also relative to their contribution to the community. Individuals should be paid according to their hard work and the value that they contribute.
Certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold the opinion that those working in the entertainment industry are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
in excessive amounts. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this statement and I will discuss why
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
factors such as their relevance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as well
as the job they do relative to the community. I will
also
discuss which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations I believe should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more.

Entertainers are not an integral part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
or grow the community in any way.
For example
, Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
footballer in the world whose weekly wages are more than an average person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
in a year. Running for 90 minutes on a field cannot
be compared
to the righteous and valuable work done by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
. It is
for this reason
that I believe the role of entertainers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
does not justify their earnings.

There are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions who have a much greater impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their income is in no way reflective of this.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doctors
are a prime example of this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every day they are working
tirelessly
to save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
yet
in comparison
to the salaries of entertainers, their earnings are measly. Another consideration to take into account is that medical training is extensive
as well
as expensive. For these reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
are more deserving of high salaries,
especially
for the long hours and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
work they do.
Therefore
, occupations such as those of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and teachers should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they deserve it based on their contribution to the public
as well
as humankind.

In conclusion
, those working in the entertainment industry earn far too much money, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in relation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
relative to their contribution to the community. Individuals should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
according to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and the value that they contribute.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The woman expresses her opinion about the announcement. State her opinion and explain the reasons that she gives for holding that opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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