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The professor takes two examples to illustrate "altruism". Explain how the examples are related to the reading passage v.1

The professor takes two examples to illustrate "altruism". Explain how the examples are related to the reading passage v. 1
Some people would argue that women should be given the same positions as men in a country's armed forces, while others think that these roles are not for them. This essay supports the former statement because the government needs both genders to secure the country and women these days are physically as capable as men. On the one hand, a country needs both genders in their police or army forces to deal with various kinds of people. Criminals are not only men, and soldiers have to protect families consisting both sexes as well. Because females like to be threatened by female too, a state needs to have female officers or soldiers to take care of them. For example, many international airports have separated search rooms to investigate passengers and they allow only female officers to be in women's chamber. I believe many countries require all genders in the armed forces. On the other hand, police officers' or soldiers' tasks are physically demanding, so women would find it too hard for them. Strength and endurance are mandatory for the armed forces because the nature of their tasks. For example, a police officer needs to stand for hours at intersections to control traffic flows, and a soldier must carry kilograms of ammunitions regularly. This is why some people think that men must carry these tasks because they are usually stronger than women. However, I do not think it is still applicable, because many women these days are as strong as men. In conclusion, this essay has discussed whether police officers and soldiers have to be males only or males and females. While these jobs are physically demanding, a country needs employees consisting both genders to deal with people and due to the fact that women as strong as men.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same positions as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in a country's armed forces, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these roles are not for them. This essay supports the former statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
both genders to secure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
these days are
physically
as capable as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

On the one hand, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
both genders in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or army forces
Did you mean "dealing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'force' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to deal
with various kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Criminals are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldiers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
protect families consisting both sexes
as well
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
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females
like to
be threatened
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
too, a state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
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officers
or
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soldiers
to take care of them.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
international airports have separated search rooms to investigate
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
passengers and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officers
to be in women's chamber. I believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
require all genders in the armed forces.

On the other hand
,
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police
officers' or soldiers' tasks are
physically
demanding,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
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women
would find it too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them. Strength and endurance are mandatory for the armed forces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the nature of their tasks.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to stand for hours at intersections to control traffic flows, and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
carry kilograms of
Possible spelling mistake found.
ammunitions
regularly
. This is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
carry these tasks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
usually
stronger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
still
applicable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
these days are as strong as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

In conclusion
, this essay has discussed whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soldiers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be males
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
or males and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. While these jobs are
physically
demanding, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
employees consisting both genders to deal with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as strong as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay The professor takes two examples to illustrate "altruism". Explain how the examples are related to the reading passage v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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