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Q3. 13: The school is building a new gym by building SE15, starting august 5. The woman expresses her opinion about the announcement. State her opinion and explain the reasons that she gives for holding that opinion. v.1

Q3. 13: The school is building a new gym by building SE15, starting august 5. The woman expresses her opinion about the announcement. State her opinion and explain the reasons that she gives for holding that opinion. v. 1
It is important to consider how the developed country's rising life expectancy will affect both societies and their citizens. This essay will discuss some of the issues which might arise as a result of this trend and propose some ways to mitigate these problems. With regards to individuals, one of the main issues is likely to be the higher cost of living. This is because as a greater number of people live out more of their lives in retirement, they may run out of money in their pension pots and thus have to depend on their families for financial support. For instance, a man who starts work at 20, retires at 60, but lives to be 100 will have spent only two-fifths of his life making money. To combat this problem, the government should raise the age of retirement. In doing so, people will be better prepared to cover the costs of their extended lives. As for societies, the most pressing problem is one of future unemployment. Particularly, if the aforementioned measure of raising the retirement age is implemented, more and more people will be at work and therefore fewer and fewer jobs to go around. Consequently, young people especially will find it difficult to break into their desired professions. Dealing with this issue involves the government investing in new technologies in order to create new fields of work. With new technologies appear new jobs, thus plugging the potential hole in employment. In conclusion, two of the most significant dangers for individuals and societies which a longer lifespan may present, are financial troubles and joblessness. However, these problems should be minimized if the government increases the retirement age and spends wisely in new markets.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider how the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
's rising life expectancy will affect both societies and their citizens. This essay will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
issues which might arise
as a result
of this trend and propose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to mitigate these problems.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
individuals, one of the main issues is likely to be the higher cost of living. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as a greater number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
out more of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, they may run out of money in their pension pots and
thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
depend on their families for financial support.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
work at 20, retires at 60,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to be 100 will have spent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
two-fifths of his life making money. To combat this problem, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should raise the age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. In doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be better prepared to cover the costs of their extended
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

As for societies, the most pressing problem is one of future unemployment.
Particularly
, if the aforementioned measure of raising the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age
is implemented
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be at work and
therefore
fewer and fewer jobs to go around.
Consequently
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
will find it difficult to break into their desired professions. Dealing with this issue involves the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
investing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technologies in order to create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
fields of work. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technologies appear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
jobs,
thus
plugging the potential hole in employment.

In conclusion
, two of the most significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
for individuals and societies which a longer lifespan may present, are financial troubles and joblessness.
However
, these problems should
be minimized
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
increases the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age and spends
wisely
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
markets.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Q3. 13: The school is building a new gym by building SE15, starting august 5. The woman expresses her opinion about the announcement. State her opinion and explain the reasons that she gives for holding that opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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