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The woman express her opinion about the proposal in the letter. Briefly summarize the proposal. Then state the woman’s opinion and explain the reasons she gives for holding that opinion. v.1

The woman express her opinion about the proposal in the letter. Briefly summarize the proposal. Then state the woman’s opinion and explain the reasons she gives for holding that opinion. v. 1
Advancements in the medical sector have brought longevity among the public. Although this trend has merits such as building stronger relationships in the families and increased tax income for a nation, its negative impacts in terms of greying society as well as huge medical expenses cannot be ignored. I believe that this transformation of increased life-span has more benefits than demerits. To begin with, if people live longer, society will turn into a greying one. In Japan, for example, owing to innovations in medical technologies, people are living much longer compared with other parts of the world. Such changes are increasing the generation gap, but as of now, there is no factual backup of it Moreover, Medical expenses are surging because governments need to reserve a huge amount of money to take care the health of senior citizens; however, no data of such expenses have been published so far in this context. Thus the increased life expectancy not only increases the old population but also increases the financial expenditures. On the contrary, stronger relations can form if the life span of individuals increases. As longer life facilitates the people to spend life together with their family, the chances of having a harmonious life are greater. For instance, in Northern America, medical advancements have increased the life span of the public, and consequently, it uplifted the happiness index from six to nine for families throughout the country. Furthermore, tax collection will be more because people will work in their old age, and this collected fund can be utilized in the development of the nations. Therefore, living longer strengthens mutual relations in a family as well as increases tax money for a country. To summarize, while longer life expectancy apparently causes ageing community and increases financial expenses for the medical care of senior members of the nation, tax-money collection for a country and relations among families will strengthen. Hence, this trend has more positives as compared with negatives.
Advancements in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
sector have brought longevity among the public. Although this trend has merits such as building stronger relationships in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
tax income for a nation, its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts in terms of
Possible spelling mistake found.
greying
society
as well
as huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
expenses cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. I believe that this transformation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
life-span has more benefits than demerits.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
, society will turn into a
Possible spelling mistake found.
greying
one. In Japan,
for example
, owing to innovations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
technologies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
compared with other parts of the world. Such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are increasing the generation gap,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, there is no factual backup of it
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medical
expenses are surging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
need to reserve a huge amount of money to take care the health of senior citizens;
however
, no data of such expenses have
been published
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far in this context.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
population
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
the financial expenditures.

On the contrary
, stronger relations can form if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span of individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
facilitates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
together with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, the chances of having a harmonious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
are greater.
For instance
, in Northern America,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
advancements have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span of the public, and
consequently
, it uplifted the happiness index from six to nine for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
throughout the country.
Furthermore
, tax collection will be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will work in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age, and this collected fund can
be utilized
in the development of the nations.
Therefore
, living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
strengthens mutual relations in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
tax money for a country.

To summarize
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
apparently
causes
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
community and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
financial expenses for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care of senior members of the nation, tax-money collection for a country and relations among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
will strengthen.
Hence
, this trend has more positives as compared with negatives.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The woman express her opinion about the proposal in the letter. Briefly summarize the proposal. Then state the woman’s opinion and explain the reasons she gives for holding that opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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