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The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people v. 2
It is common knowledge that electronic media have a great role in our life nowadays. However, one may influence in our daily lifestyle such as personal relationships with other people. But is the effect necessarily a negative one? As far as my experience concerned, many might tend to extend their groups of friends via electronic gadgets. They make new friends by chatting in social networking sites. Also, it helps people to keep in touch with families in another country. Hence, electronic device allows information to be shared easily among people in specific chat rooms and forums. Sending email is another example of positive effect. People can send messages through Internet instead of writing letter. They no longer wait as much for receiving response from their contacts. Moreover, in my point of view, what makes people shocking is that they do not waste their time by visiting relatives as much, However, they communicate to each other by means of electronic devices such as mobile and laptop. On the other hand, electronic media may cause problems. In the first place, people somehow tend to talk and speak face to face so that they prefer to communicate by sending message in Telegram and etc. Secondly, a very point to consider is ' time taking' , individuals usually spend many hours to chatting, although it probably leads to sickness and endangers their health. In conclusion, communicating through electronic media can therefore cause some problems between people, and it cannot replace meeting and talking face to face. But in general, it has more positive than negative effects.
It is common knowledge that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
media have a great role in our life nowadays.
However
, one may influence in our daily lifestyle such as personal relationships with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
is the effect
necessarily
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
one?

As far as my experience concerned,
Possible agreement error. The noun might seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much might", "a good deal of might".
many might
tend to extend their groups of friends via
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
gadgets. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends by chatting in social networking sites.
Also
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with families in another country.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
device
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
information to
be shared
easily
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in specific chat rooms and forums.

Sending email is another example of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
messages through Internet
instead
of writing letter. They no longer wait as much for receiving response from their contacts.
Moreover
, in my point of view, what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shocking is that they do not waste their time by visiting relatives as much,
However
, they communicate to each other by means of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
devices such as mobile and laptop.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
media may cause problems. In the
first
place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
somehow tend to talk and speak
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they prefer to communicate by sending message in Telegram
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Secondly
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
point to consider is ' time
Possible spelling mistake found.
taking&
#039;
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
individuals
usually
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours to chatting, although it
probably
leads to sickness and endangers their health.

In conclusion
, communicating through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
media can
therefore
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and it cannot replace meeting and talking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in general
, it has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
262 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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