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The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. v. 1
With the development of technology, people tend to use electronic media more and more. Some people think that it affects negatively on people's relationships. Personally, I agree with this idea, but I still believe it has some positive effects as now will be explained. On one hand, electronic media are likely to one of the reasons causing problems in relationships. Firstly, using electronic media such as mobile phones makes them worse in communication. People may have a tendency to rely on it to send messages instead of talking in person. Secondly, excessively using electronic media could reduce communication skills. Indeed, people do not need to use body language, which makes them find it difficult to explain their own thoughts when facing to face. Consequence, due to fewer interactions, people would face the risk of lacking confidence which makes them scared of public speaking. On the other hand, electronic media are also a key feature contributing to making relationships better. If in the past people had to spend a month on sending a message, nowadays thanks to the growth of advanced technology, particularly electronic media, it helps people to receive messages immediately or even see each other through video calls. Furthermore, the development of technology, many social networks were born such as Twitter and Facebook, allowed users to make friends from all over the world, which help to widen their personal relationships. In conclusion, I think electronic media has its own benefits and downsides. It all depends on how people use them.
With the development of technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
more and more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it affects
negatively
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's relationships.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
still
believe it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
.

On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are likely to one of the reasons causing problems in relationships.
Firstly
, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as mobile phones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them worse in communication.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
may have a tendency to rely on it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
messages
instead
of talking in person.
Secondly
,
excessively
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
body language, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them find it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
thoughts when facing to face. Consequence, due to fewer interactions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would face the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of lacking confidence which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them scared of public speaking.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are
also
a key feature contributing to making relationships better. If in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had to spend a month on sending a message, nowadays thanks to the growth of advanced technology,
particularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to receive messages immediately or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each other through video calls.
Furthermore
, the development of technology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social networks
were born
such as Twitter and Facebook,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
users to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
friends from all over the world, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to widen their personal relationships.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits and downsides. It all depends on how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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