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Many people now have personal computers, and the use of electronic services such as the internet is becoming more widespread. Some parents are concerned about children using the internet to gamble or buy goods on credit. How can access to electronic services be controlled? v.1

Many people now have personal computers, and the use of electronic services such as the internet is becoming more widespread. Some parents are concerned about children using the internet to gamble or buy goods on credit. How can access to electronic services be controlled? v. 1
Use of electronic services has substantially increased with the advancement of technology over the last few years. Nowadays, a great number of children have become addicted to computers, tablets and the internet, and these technologies have become a mandatory constituent of their daily routine. This is an alarming situation for parents because the internet could lead to severe problems such as gambling and uncontrolled shopping by using credit cards. This could be minimised by adapting various precautionary measures such as monitoring children activities, discouraging use of electronic items and developing their aptitude towards creative activities. Firstly, parents can play a pivotal role in this regard, they should indulge their children in pragmatic activities, and for instance, debating is an activity which could leave an undeniable impression on children minds. Furthermore, sports have a significant impact on children physical and psychological health. It will provide them an opportunity to learn teamwork, handling pressure and others traits that are essential for their coming lives. Secondly, there should be attempts by the parents to create awareness about the dire consequence of bad usage of the technology. Proper guidance and support would definitely help children to identify the positive use of technology. In addition to this, parents should encourage their children towards educational activities and realise them about the numerous benefits of it in their future lives. To sum up, I would like to say that parents’ attentions and guidance can dramatically help children in availing the true benefits of technology. Moulding their attitude towards creative and dynamic work will surely mitigate the use of electronic items from their lives.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Use
of electronic services has
substantially
increased with the advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
over the last few years. Nowadays, a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have become addicted to computers, tablets and the internet, and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have become a mandatory constituent of their daily routine. This is an alarming situation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the internet could lead to severe problems such as gambling and uncontrolled shopping by using credit cards. This could be
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimised' is British English.
minimised
by adapting various precautionary measures such as monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, discouraging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic items and developing their aptitude towards creative activities.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can play a pivotal role in this regard, they should indulge their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in pragmatic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, and
for instance
, debating is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
an undeniable impression on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
minds.
Furthermore
, sports have a significant impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
physical and psychological health. It will provide them an opportunity to learn teamwork, handling pressure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
traits that are essential for their coming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Secondly
, there should be attempts by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to create awareness about the dire consequence of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
usage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Proper guidance and support would definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to identify the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
towards educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
them about the numerous benefits of it in their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

To sum up, I would like to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
attentions and guidance can
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in availing the true benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Moulding' is British English.
Moulding
their attitude towards creative and dynamic work will
surely
mitigate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic items from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Many people now have personal computers, and the use of electronic services such as the internet is becoming more widespread. Some parents are concerned about children using the internet to gamble or buy goods on credit. How can access to electronic services be controlled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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