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Some people say that children given pocket money every week will have fewer money problems when they become adults. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that children given pocket money every week will have fewer money problems when they become adults. v. 2
Money has become an important issue among family members. A number of people think that giving pocket money to children weekly will reduce money problems in their future life as an adult. I completely agree with this view and I believe that children should learn how to manage a budget which is given by their parents. First of all, it is thought that allowance received by parents does not contribute children’s life when they become adults. However, children learn about cash management in their early life if parents give them to a bit money per week. Moreover, children improve their money management skills by experiencing to spend their allowance. For example, research says that children can develop self-awareness to spend money, and it can be taught effectively how to handle a budget. Therefore, parents give pocket money to their children. Secondly, children can learn how to spend a money wisely, and how to save money for their needs. Such childhood experiences teach children to put their money aside weekly and save their money, which is beneficial for them in the long run. For instance, today, many people, who did not learn to manage finances in early ages, suffer from more a high amount of debts than those who had a knowledge of cash management. Thus, pocket money given in early age is a useful tool to improve financial management. In conclusion, a knowledge of money management requires an early experience of expenditure and savings. I fully agree with the idea that pocket money is an effective learning tool in associated with managing money in order to reduce future financial problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
has become an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue among family members. A number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that giving pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
weekly will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
problems in their future life as an adult. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view and I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to manage a budget which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by their parents.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that allowance received by parents does not contribute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
life when they become adults.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about cash
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
life if parents give them to a
It seems that there's a missing preposition after ''.
bit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
per week.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by experiencing to spend their allowance.
For example
, research says that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can develop self-awareness to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, and it can
be taught
effectively
how to handle a budget.
Therefore
, parents give pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to their children.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
wisely
, and how to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their needs. Such childhood experiences teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
aside weekly and save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, which is beneficial for them in the long run.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who did not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to manage finances in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
ages, suffer from
Did you mean "a more high"?
more a high
amount of debts than those who had a knowledge of cash
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
.
Thus
, pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age is a useful tool to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
financial management.

In conclusion
, a knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
requires an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
experience of expenditure and savings. I
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an effective learning tool in associated with managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
future financial problems.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people say that children given pocket money every week will have fewer money problems when they become adults. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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