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The time people devote to the job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem? What problem will this shortage of time cause? v.1

The time people devote to the job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem? What problem will this shortage of time cause? v. 1
Although such topics, in all likelihood, never will yield a consensual agreement, a constructive dialogue on increased dedication towards the job reduces time for personal life can lead to thought-provoking discussions. My view is that irrespective of the numerous arguments that exist on either side, this is causing a major trouble with many families. To commence with, people are unable to spend time with their family. It is important to note that because the person has a of lot work at the office, he may not able to reach home on time and hence unable to be with his family members. For example, spending more 10 hours in office will force to reduce time for other necessary work at home such as sleep, and daily routine tasks. Therefore, the aforementioned discussion shows that due to more work time at job leaves little time with family. Another pivotal aspect of the argument is that the people get more addicted to work. When people spend more time at job it creates a metal bonding with office, and hence hesitates to leave work on time. For instance, when a person work more than 10 hours daily for more than a month can rewire his brain, so that he will be addicted to work. This clearly indicates less time for personal life. In conclusion, this essay discussed spending little time with family because people are addicted to work, which is now becoming a widespread problem. This equally potential evidence to support the arguments I have provided, underlines my opinion.
Although such topics, in all likelihood,
The adverb 'never' is usually put between 'will' and 'yield'.
never will yield
a consensual agreement, a constructive dialogue on increased dedication towards the job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for personal life can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
-provoking discussions. My view is that irrespective of the numerous arguments that exist on either side, this is causing a major trouble with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unable to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their family. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to note that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the person has
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
of lot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the office, he may not able to reach home on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
hence
unable to be with his family members.
For example
, spending more 10 hours in office will force to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for other necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home such as sleep, and daily routine tasks.
Therefore
, the aforementioned discussion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that due to more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family.

Another pivotal aspect of the argument is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more addicted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at job it creates a metal bonding with office, and
hence
hesitates to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For instance
, when a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more than 10 hours daily for more than a month can rewire his brain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that he will
be addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This
clearly
indicates less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for personal life.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
becoming a widespread problem. This
equally
potential evidence to support the arguments I have provided, underlines my opinion.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is wine upon the lips. – Virginia WoolfInspirational quotes for language learners
Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay The time people devote to the job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem? What problem will this shortage of time cause? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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