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The time people devote in job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem. What problem will this shortage of time causes. v.1

The time people devote in job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem. What problem will this shortage of time causes. v. 1
As the world is passing through the 21th century, all the nations are developing in this era. It is the global issue these days that the employees who devote their unique time to any organization or industry those have very less time for their personal life and this problem has become widespread. I strongly accord to this statement and I will provide strong view points in the forthcoming verses before reaching to plausible conclusion. Undeniably, escalation of unemployment rate among the youngsters as well as market products is increasing at high rates. Every individual is in a rat race to earn more and more money so anonymously people have become workaholics and money minded. Furthermore, all the companies are only thinking about their benefits they give overtime working hours to employees so workers kills each other to high earning. Conspicuously, if a person, spend his most of precious time out of the home, then unquestionably his family relations will be weaker and it leads to the myriads of problems which have their hazardous effects on one’s life. Firstly, a person can lose his partner. Moreover, the divorce rate will be increased if this sort of tendency spontaneously goes on. Also, an individual can attain the sedentary lifestyle which leads to dangerous ailments such as obesity, stress and depression etcetera, and it is also claimed by Apollo hospital’s research on software employees. To conclude, it can be said that undeniably bucks are main need of today’s materialistic world but personal life should never be ignored. Governments also must implement some rules about duties.
As the world is passing through the
21th
century, all the nations are developing in this era. It is the global issue these days that the employees who devote their unique time to any organization or industry those have
very
less time for their personal life and this problem has become widespread. I
strongly
accord to this statement and I will provide strong view points in the forthcoming verses
before
reaching to plausible conclusion.

Undeniably
, escalation of unemployment rate among the youngsters
as well
as market products is increasing at high rates. Every individual is in a rat race to earn more and more money
so
anonymously
people
have become workaholics and money minded.
Furthermore
, all the
companies
are
only
thinking about their benefits they give overtime working hours to employees
so
workers kills each other to high earning.

Conspicuously
, if a person, spend his most of precious time out of the home, then
unquestionably
his family relations will be weaker and it leads to the myriads of problems which have their hazardous effects on one’s life.
Firstly
, a person can lose his partner.
Moreover
, the divorce rate will
be increased
if this sort of tendency
spontaneously
goes on.
Also
, an individual can attain the sedentary lifestyle which leads to
dangerous
ailments such as obesity,
stress
and depression etcetera, and it is
also
claimed by Apollo hospital’s research on software employees.

To conclude
, it can
be said
that
undeniably
bucks are main need of
today
’s materialistic world
but
personal life should never be
ignored
.
Governments
also
must
implement
some
rules
about duties.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay The time people devote in job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem. What problem will this shortage of time causes. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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