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The tables give information about the average hours worked by part time and full time men and women in the coveted in Europe in 2002 and compare with European countries v.1

The tables give information about the average hours worked by part time and full time men and women in the coveted in Europe in 2002 and compare with European countries v. 1
The media has brought significant changes to our lives in recents years with coming of the digital era and internet, people are highly reliable on advertisement and media has selected pretty girls as a good inspiration of body fitness and energy. So, I intend to explore the source of this problems along with some viable solutions to it. To regard with some possible factors of this trend. It is true that, slim models are encouraging to people for making their body fit, however in reality, human beings consider it wrong they allow them in order to promote beauty. As a consequence, they eat less rather than eating a well balanced diet and this practice may be invited few fitness issues like weak muscles, pain in joints and so on in the future. Another point is that, teenagers follow on actress or a model as a aspiring to become same as them due to this, eating disorders may develop by remaining slim. Also, it puts negative influences upon careers because after crossing the age of 30, opportunities of finding a job become very rare. By this, women may go into depression, sometimes committed suicide as well. Moving further with possible action in the favour of address this practice. Primary, media can play a crucial role to stop its bad outcomes if they broadcast realistic programs. For instance, movies should show females as strong, independent and career oriented instead of slim and petite. Having said that women should pay attention upon their strength as well as adopt good habits such as eating well, exercise, play games in results, women could look attractive, physically and mentally fit as long as prevent well-being issues which can be occurred in coming years. In conclusion, I reiterate that media have many benefits, but sometimes people perceive it in a wrong way therefore media show inspiration shows.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has brought significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
recents
years with coming of the digital era and internet,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
highly
reliable on advertisement and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has selected pretty girls as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
inspiration of body fitness and energy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I intend to explore the source of
Did you mean "these"?
this
problems along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
viable solutions to it.

To regard with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible factors of this trend. It is true that, slim models are encouraging to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for making their body fit,
however
in reality, human beings consider it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them in order to promote beauty. As a consequence, they eat less
rather
than eating a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well balanced
diet and this practice may
be invited
few fitness issues like weak muscles, pain in joints and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on in the future. Another point is that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
'follow on' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "follow-on".
follow on
actress or a model as
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
aspiring to become same as them due to this, eating disorders may develop by remaining slim.
Also
, it puts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences upon careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
after crossing the age of 30, opportunities of finding a job become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rare. By this, women may go into depression,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
committed suicide
as well
.

Moving
further
with possible action in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of address this practice. Primary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can play a crucial role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
outcomes if they broadcast realistic programs.
For instance
, movies should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
females as strong, independent and career oriented
instead
of slim and petite. Having said that women should pay attention upon their strength
as well
as adopt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits such as eating well, exercise, play games in results, women could look attractive,
physically
and mentally fit as long as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
well-being issues which can
be occurred
in coming years.

In conclusion
, I reiterate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
perceive it in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
inspiration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The tables give information about the average hours worked by part time and full time men and women in the coveted in Europe in 2002 and compare with European countries v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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