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The table shows the percentage of people with mobile phones who use various features on their phone. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The table shows the percentage of people with mobile phones who use various features on their phone.
Nowadays, health issues among fat kids is becoming a concern for many parents. While the number of obese children is growing, it may lead them to various health problems Medical care cost when they reach adulthood. In this essay we will discuss why this is happening and propose some solutions to control this issue. One of the main reasons for obesity in children because of sedentary lifestyle. The reason for this is they are glued to their computer screens to play games online rather than going out and playing, which is making them isolated from physical activities. For instance, until the online games were introduced kids played more in the playgrounds, so they were much fitter then today's kids. This issue can be tackled, by incorporating extra sports classes in the school curriculum as this can influence them profoundly towards fitness regime in the long run. As a result, more children will understand the importance of physical fitness and may lead a active life. Another reason why kids are becoming fat these days because of unhealthy eating habits. This happens when they consume high-calorie food frequently, which will increase fat levels in their bodies. To illustrate this point, kids in the developed countries often eat junk food which has lots of calories, as they can afford it easily so they are at higher risk to become overweight. This can be controlled by their parents if they restrict unhealthy food into their diets, and by adding more nutrient food in their eating habits. Therefore, this routine can instill children with the awareness towards selecting the right food. In conclusion, Although kids may face various problems, such as medical and health issues, these problems are not insurmountable. In my view, it is the parents' and school authority's responsibility to tackle these issues, and they can begin by considering some of the solutions suggested above.
Nowadays, health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
is becoming a concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents. While the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is growing, it may lead them to various health
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
problems


Medical care cost when they reach adulthood. In this essay we will discuss why this is happening and propose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to control this issue.

One of the main reasons for obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of sedentary lifestyle.
The reason for this is
they
are glued
to their computer screens to play games online
rather
than going out and playing, which is making them isolated from physical activities.
For instance
, until the online games
were introduced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
played more in the playgrounds,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they were much fitter
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
can
be tackled
, by incorporating extra sports classes in the school curriculum as this can influence them
profoundly
towards fitness regime in the long run.
As a result
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will understand the importance of physical fitness and may lead
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
active life.

Another reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are becoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of unhealthy eating habits. This happens when they consume high-calorie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
frequently
, which will increase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
levels in their bodies. To illustrate this point,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
eat junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which has lots of calories, as they can afford it
easily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are at higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to become overweight. This can
be controlled
by their parents if they restrict unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
into their diets, and by adding more nutrient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in their eating habits.
Therefore
, this routine can instill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with the awareness towards selecting the right food.

In conclusion
, Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
may face various problems, such as medical and health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
, these problems are not insurmountable. In my view, it is the parents' and school authority's responsibility to tackle these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
, and they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by considering
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
solutions suggested above.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay The table shows the percentage of people with mobile phones who use various features on their phone.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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