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The table shows the percentage of workers in agriculture, manufacturing and services in 7European countries in 2014. v.1

The table shows the percentage of workers in agriculture, manufacturing and services in 7European countries in 2014. v. 1
t is believed by some that improving the health of the citizens can be done by providing more sport complexes, others believe that various elements such as public awareness and education are needed to improve public health. This essay will discuss both views and explain my support for the latter view. Firstly, those who support the view that the most effective way to improve health within the society is by increase of facilities argue on the basis of an increase in exercise. This implies that, the more the facilities for sporting tasks, the more individuals perform various activities such as yoga, gymnastics and cardio, which is likely to decrease the risk of medical emergencies such as heart attacks, strokes, or high blood pressure. According to a survey carried out by the World Health Organization, in 2018, for example, revealed that approximately 20% of elders in China, which has the highest number of sporting facilities in the world, has the lowest number of medical emergencies in the world. Although, if sporting areas were made available by the government there is a high probability that most individuals [would, rather than go to such places remain at home. However, I would argue that the sporting centre has little, or no impact on public health and there are other methods that may improve the health of individuals in a society. The major method being pubic awareness. This is because the more people are educated about the dangers of not exercising, the more they exercise and improve their health. Take for example, after the 1999 publication on Health and Death, the Association of Gymnasium witnessed about 70% increase in attendance during the period the advert aired. If the government would organize seminars or adverts to teach people this can increase the health of members in the community. In conclusion, increasing the number of sporting areas would likely impact the health of individuals if only they are aware of the dangers of poor dieting and lack of exercise. Therefore educating the public in my opinion is a much effective solution than constructing more sporting complexes.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
t
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that improving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the citizens can
be done
by providing more sport complexes, others believe that various elements such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
awareness and education
are needed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. This essay will discuss both views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my support for the latter view.

Firstly
, those who support the view that the most effective way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
within the society is by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
of facilities argue on the basis of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in exercise.
This implies that
, the more the facilities for sporting tasks, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
perform various activities such as yoga, gymnastics and cardio, which is likely to decrease the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of medical emergencies such as heart attacks, strokes, or high blood pressure. According to a survey carried out by the World
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
Organization, in 2018,
for example
, revealed that approximately 20% of elders in China, which has the highest number of sporting facilities in the world, has the lowest number of medical emergencies in the world. Although, if sporting areas
were made
available by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
there is a high probability that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
Unpaired symbol: ']' seems to be missing
[
would,
rather
than go to such places remain at home.

However
, I would argue that the sporting
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
, or no impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and there are other methods that may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
in a society. The major method being
Did you mean "public"?
pubic
awareness. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are educated
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of not exercising, the more they exercise and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Take
for example
, after the 1999 publication on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
and Death, the Association of Gymnasium witnessed about 70%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in attendance during the period the advert aired. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
Consider removing 'would'. (Usually, 'would' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless to make a request or give a polite order.)
would organize
seminars or adverts to teach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
this can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of members in the community.

In conclusion
, increasing the number of sporting areas would likely impact the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they are aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of poor dieting and lack of exercise.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
educating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
in my opinion is a much effective solution than constructing more sporting complexes.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The table shows the percentage of workers in agriculture, manufacturing and services in 7European countries in 2014. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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