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The maps below show how the town of Billiton developed over a given period Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The maps below show how the town of Billiton developed over a given period
It is still controversial that at what age, children should start to receive formal training. Some people suggest that early year education will be advocated; while, others support that school discipline should be started no younger than 7 years old. The essay will discuss both views and my personal opinion that I opine the latter. To begin with, people advocate that early year training will benefit children because they are so  innocent just like a piece of blank paper that  it is easy to teach them,  shape their  attitudes and nurture better habits for their future lives. Moreover, early year schooling may benefit the children's development and enhance their cognitive capacities as well because their brains remain in the process of growing.  Some researches indicate that children who enrolled in kindergartens and received a formal early year schooling did better in their later career paths. On the other hand, some inhabitants advocate that formal discipline should be carried out when children are 7 years old or older because this kind of education require children's cooperation and commitment. Only children older than 7 years have developed capacity to follow commands and self-control during classes. Besides, formal discipline may make students feel restricted, which may discourage students' interests in learning. For younger children, it is tough for them to sit still for 45 minutes to listen teachers' lecturing. Therefore, going to school after 7 years old will help more children. In conclusion, I personally support that children may benefit more if they enrol in school at an older age like older than 7 years old due to the above reasons. In addition, early year childhood is the most precious period for children enjoying their time happily and growing freely. School discipline for children who are 7 years old or older may contribute to their better development in their further academic training and future careers.
It is
still
controversial that at what age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
training.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
education will
be advocated
; while, others support that school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discipline
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
no younger than 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. The essay will discuss both views and my personal opinion that I opine the latter.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
training will benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
innocent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like a piece of blank paper that
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
it is easy to teach them,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
shape their
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
attitudes and nurture better habits for their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
schooling may benefit the children's development and enhance their cognitive capacities
as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their brains remain in the process of growing.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
researches indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who enrolled in kindergartens and received a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
schooling did better in their later career paths.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
inhabitants advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discipline
should
be carried
out when children are 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this kind of education require children's cooperation and commitment.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
than 7 years have developed capacity to follow commands and self-control during classes.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discipline
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
students feel restricted, which may discourage students' interests in learning. For younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it is tough for them to sit
still
for 45 minutes to listen teachers' lecturing.
Therefore
, going to school after 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
more children.

In conclusion
, I
personally
support that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may benefit more if they enrol in school at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
age like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
than 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
due to the above reasons.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
childhood is the most precious period for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
enjoying their time
happily
and growing
freely
. School
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discipline
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are 7 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
may contribute to their better development in their
further
academic training and future careers.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The maps below show how the town of Billiton developed over a given period

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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