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the table below shows the proportion of income adults and children spent on four common categories in the UK in 1998 v.1

the table below shows the proportion of income adults and children spent on four common categories in the UK in 1998 v. 1
Not many students have a chance to study at University while living with their family. Due to many factors, most of the students get their higher education being away from their friends and family. Is it beneficial to be away from home in pursuit of education, is the question for some people. This essay describes the disadvantages of this concern. Firstly, The autonomy of students may lead to addictive habits, which is potentially dangerous for health. Most of the freshmen in the Universities are in their late teens, and this is also an age where they would like to explore their life. Some of the students try new things, and due to the hype and wrong friendships, school pass outs may get addicted to drugs in their early University years. According to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Most of the drug peddlers are active in the University towns. The parents must have frequent visits to the students dorms and apartments while their son or daughter's tenure at the University, to prevent such issues. Secondly, the pupils of the University may get overwhelmed with the number of classes and may choose menial jobs over a career with better prospects. According to the article published in New York Times, The drop rate of University students is alarmingly high in past five years. The author attributes it to the lack of competency for the growing technical jobs. Had it been the case, where they had support and guidance of parents, such youth could have made better career choices. Finally, staying with parents while studying has a lot of advantages. Not only they provide their kids with the best guidance, but also keep in check to keep away from bad practices. However, the parenthood and the ethics they inculcate from childhood remain an important aspect.
Not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a chance to study at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
while living with their family. Due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their higher education being away from their friends and family. Is it beneficial to be away from home in pursuit of education, is the question for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
the disadvantages of this concern.

Firstly
, The autonomy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may lead to addictive habits, which is
potentially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for health. Most of the freshmen in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
are in their late teens, and this is
also
an age where they would like to explore their life.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
try new things, and due to the hype and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
friendships, school pass outs may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to drugs in their early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
years. According to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Most of the drug peddlers are active in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
towns. The parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have frequent visits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
dorms and apartments while their son or daughter's tenure at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
such issues.

Secondly
, the pupils of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overwhelmed with the number of classes and may choose menial jobs over a career with better prospects. According to the article published in New York Times, The drop rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is
alarmingly
high in past five years. The author attributes it to the lack of competency for the growing technical jobs. Had it been the case, where they had support and guidance of parents, such youth could have made better career choices.

Finally
, staying with parents while studying has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they provide their kids with the best guidance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
away from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
practices.
However
, the parenthood and the ethics they inculcate from childhood remain an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay the table below shows the proportion of income adults and children spent on four common categories in the UK in 1998 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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