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the bar chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education v.1

the bar chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education v. 1
Yes, It is true that television is a big part of the many people. However, satellite box is not a part of my life philosophy. However, everything what interests me is possible to find on the other electronic devices, because of that I don't see in today world TV as only digital media. Nowadays, many people can't imagine a world without TVs and they will present it with all pros rather cons. Although, essay will present both sides. First of all, nobody can confirm what is good or bad for the other person and the same is with this essay theses that for me is good television. As an example, I can tell that I am not possessed TV set more than 10 years, what means that I can have different lifestyles. However, as a disadvantage of watching television screen is constantly pushing the ads. Unlikely, they are psychologically used as a manipulative objet to push people spend more on unnecessary things. Secondly, sometimes is good to watch a relaxing movie, documentary or sport. The digital box is possible to shear on different devices, which allowing as better movement and possibilities to watching interesting programs wherever we are. Also at an advantage some TV providers, allowing to explicitly to make a custom list of our interests. As a conclusion, in some occasions, digital media can have a positive impact on me. Although, if we are using screen reasonable time, without addiction, is good to have a one. Unfortunately, I can confirm that every type of media more often has inappropriate or uninteresting program rather something interested and what can bring more advantage in my life.
Yes, It is true that television is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
part of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
, satellite box is not a part of my life philosophy.
However
, everything what interests me is possible to find on the other electronic devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
world TV as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
digital media. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can't imagine a world without
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
TVs and
they will present it with all pros
rather
cons.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, essay will present both sides.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, nobody can confirm what is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for the other person and the same is with this essay theses that for me is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
television. As an example, I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
that I am not possessed TV set more than 10 years, what means that I can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
lifestyles.
However
, as a disadvantage of watching television screen is
constantly
pushing the ads. Unlikely, they are
psychologically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a manipulative
Possible spelling mistake found.
objet
to push
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend more on unnecessary things.

Secondly
,
The adverb 'sometimes' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
sometimes is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a relaxing movie, documentary or sport. The digital box is possible to shear on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
devices, which allowing as better movement and possibilities to watching interesting programs wherever we are.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
at an advantage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
TV providers, allowing to
explicitly
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a custom list of our interests.

As a conclusion, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occasions, digital media can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on me. Although, if we are using screen reasonable time, without addiction, is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
to have a one. Unfortunately, I can confirm that every type of media more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
has inappropriate or uninteresting program
rather
something interested and what can bring more advantage in my life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay the bar chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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