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The chart below shows the proportion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998 v.1

The chart below shows the proportion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998 v. 1
Throwing parties can be quite expensive. While some people don’t find the worth to spend huge amount on social and professional fancy gathering, others opine that it’s essential for both, individuals and society. To embark with, people choose to throw parties due to various reasons. For starters, they can make better teams. For example, project kick-off parties are specially planned by the company to break the ice between the team and help them to know each other better. Moreover, parties can add the sense of achievement of success and can make great lifetime memories. Furthermore, nowadays companies allocate a specific budget for social parties and gathering amongst their team, which eventually helps to develop the employee friendly environment and a communication amongst the team. On the flip side, even though parties help to a make better social network, it also can create tension among society. Few people are introvert and they feel difficult and uncomfortable in the crowd, such terminology in psychological language is called “social anxiety disorder”. Such people feel that parties are a huge burden and stress for them and they find very difficult to catch up. In addition, everybody cannot afford to throw the expensive parties. Throwing such might become extremely stressful and financial burden on them. To put this in a nutshell, I pen down, saying that, even though arranging parties have few negative drawbacks, it is a form of social gathering which brings numerous benefits to individuals and society. To overcome negative side, it is essential to plan a party in a smart way to cut the spending and avoid the stress with limiting resources.
Throwing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
can be quite expensive. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t find the worth to spend huge amount on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and professional fancy gathering, others opine that it’s essential for both, individuals and society.

To embark with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to throw
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
due to various reasons. For starters, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better teams.
For example
, project kick-off
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
are
specially
planned by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to break the ice between the team and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to know each other better.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
the sense of achievement of success and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
great lifetime memories.
Furthermore
, nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
allocate a specific budget for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
and gathering amongst their team, which
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop the employee friendly environment and a communication amongst the team.

On the flip side,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
network, it
also
can create tension
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
society. Few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
introvert and
they feel difficult and uncomfortable in the crowd, such terminology in psychological language
is called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“social
anxiety disorder”. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
are a huge burden and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to catch up.
In addition
, everybody cannot afford to throw the expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
. Throwing such might become
extremely
stressful and financial burden on them.

To put this in a nutshell, I pen down, saying that,
even though
arranging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
have few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
drawbacks, it is a form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
gathering which brings numerous benefits to individuals and society. To overcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, it is essential to plan a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
Consider replacing "in a smart way" with the adverb for "smart"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a smart way
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the spending and avoid the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
with limiting resources.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the proportion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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