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the table below shows the cinema viewing figures for different types of films by country, in millions v.1

the table below shows the cinema viewing figures for different types of films by country, in millions v. 1
The soaring rate of unemployment of young people has caused a great loss to the economy. Some suggest eliminating senior workers who are older than 55 is the solution to this problem. I strongly opposed to this idea. The unemployment rate will decrease, in general, if more senior employees retire since that means there will be more vacancies available. In addition to that, youngsters seem to be more creative and better with modern technology - which are getting more and more important in many fields. However, I believe the drawbacks of this idea totally outweigh its benefits. Firstly, though younger employees are more innovative, most of them are usually lack of practical experience, which means that, if all people who are older than 55 retire, there will be a shortage of skilled labour force and this apply to any fields. Secondly, there is no reason for a healthy and talented high level employee to retire if he or she is doing well in his or her job as there will cost a lot of money, time and effort to find an foster an employee who are capable of doing the job. Moreover, this policy will discourage the faith and loyalty of the employees as well as lowering the work efficiency. To conclude, age is definitely not the criteria to choose an employee as there are many other aspects that need to be concerned and to make senior employees to retire from high-level positions just because of their age will be harmful not only to companies but also society.
The soaring rate of unemployment of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
has caused a great loss to the economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
suggest eliminating senior workers who are older than 55 is the solution to this problem. I
strongly
opposed to this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

The unemployment rate will decrease,
in general
, if more senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
since that means there will be more vacancies available.
In addition
to that, youngsters seem to be more creative and better with modern technology
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
which are getting more and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields.
However
, I believe the drawbacks of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
totally
outweigh its benefits.

Firstly
, though younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are more innovative, most of them are
usually
lack of practical experience, which means that, if all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are older than 55
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
, there will be a shortage of skilled
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force and this apply to any fields.
Secondly
, there is no reason for a healthy and talented high level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
if he or she is doing well in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
job as there will cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money, time and effort to find
Did you mean "and"?
an
foster an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
who are capable of doing the job.
Moreover
, this policy will discourage the faith and loyalty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
as well
as lowering the work efficiency.

To conclude
, age is definitely not the criteria to choose an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other aspects that need to
be concerned
and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
from high-level positions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their age will be harmful not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the table below shows the cinema viewing figures for different types of films by country, in millions v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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