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The table below gives information about the employment sectors in which people from 3 age groups worked v.1

The table below gives information about the employment sectors in which people from 3 age groups worked v. 1
In nowadays education, there is a new method for learning called e-learning. This technology allows students to learn without being present in the classroom. However, there has been divided opinion on this. People doubt the efficiency of this method. Personally, I believe that in person lesson is more beneficial. First, the study environment in class can be controlled for maximizing the efficiency. Teachers can monitor their students during learning hours. Thus, the focus of the students for their material will be emphasised. This will be beneficial for the students, as plethora of students can get easily distracted while learning. They can get their focus divided by simple things such as phones or others having conversations. Their understanding of the subject can be easily influenced. With online lessons, the teachers will not be able to maintain student's focus. Even though they can learn anywhere, the learning atmosphere will more likely to be unsuitable for them. Another reason on why the face-to-face lesson is more beneficial is that it can improve student's social life and grades. It is true that students with online studying can still have a wide social circle. However, it is still different from the experience of being in a class. By studying in class, they can get friends who have the same subjects as their own. They can discuss their materials with each other. So, besides socializing, they are also broadening their knowledge at the same time. To recapitulate, although both learning programs are beneficial, I strongly agree that being present in the lesson will be more beneficial compared to online studying programs.
nowadays is used without 'in'. Use simply: "nowadays".
In nowadays
education, there is a new method for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
called e-learning. This technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn without being present in the classroom.
However
, there has
been divided
opinion on this.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
doubt the efficiency of this method.
Personally
, I believe that in person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
is more beneficial.

First
, the study environment in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
can
be controlled
for maximizing the efficiency. Teachers can monitor their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
hours.
Thus
, the focus of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for their material will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasised' is British English.
emphasised
. This will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, as plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
distracted while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their focus divided by simple things such as phones or others having conversations. Their understanding of the subject can be
easily
influenced. With online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
, the teachers will not be able to maintain student's focus.
Even though
they can learn anywhere, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
atmosphere will more likely to be unsuitable for them.

Another reason on why the face-to-face
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
is that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
student's social life and grades. It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with online studying can
still
have a wide social circle.
However
, it is
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from the experience of being in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. By studying in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
friends who have the same subjects as their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. They can discuss their materials with each other.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
besides
socializing, they are
also
broadening their knowledge at the same time.

To recapitulate, although both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
programs are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that being present in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
will be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beneficial
compared to online studying programs.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay The table below gives information about the employment sectors in which people from 3 age groups worked v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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