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agree or disagree? it is more important to study math or science than it is to study art and literature v.1

agree or disagree? it is more important to study math or science than it is to study art and literature v. 1
There is a school of thought that nowadays women are more independent in financial status, thus being able to lead a comfortable life without getting married. Although I side with the opinion, I do believe that there are other reasons for this situation. To begin with, it is true that modern women have become financially independent. Thanks to the relentless movements for women's rights, females can go to school to get educated and have been provided with a plenty of opportunities for self-development. Hence, they are able to find jobs, pursue their passions and live the life they want without relying on men for financial support. Emma Watson, who is a well-known single actress, is a typical example for this. She stays unmarried despite being 30 and enjoys her life to the fullest with a successful career and financial stability. On the other hand, there are other reasons contributing to the unmarried status of many women today. Firstly, the more their self-esteem has strengthened, the more stable and confident women become. They then feel content and fulfilled with themselves, leading a great deal of them to stay self-partnered rather than stepping into a relationship or getting married. Secondly, in a society that gives all of its members essential freedom and a fair share, people can rise to their own height. As a result, marriage is no longer high on a number of women’s priorities. With an ambition of moving up on the career ladder, those ladies have shifted their focus on personal achievements, including profession. This explains why the number of single women has significantly increased in the modern society. In a nutshell, in an equal society, women are empowered to stand on their own feet and work towards their goals. Therefore, not only have they been able to fulfil their financial needs, but they have also become more self-assured and happy with their life without the need of getting married.
There is a school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more independent in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
status,
thus
being able to lead a comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without getting married. Although I side with the opinion, I do believe that there are other reasons for this situation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is true that modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have become
financially
independent. Thanks to the relentless movements for women's rights, females can go to school to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
educated and have
been provided
with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of opportunities for self-development.
Hence
, they are able to find jobs, pursue their passions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they want without relying on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support. Emma Watson, who is a well-known single actress, is a typical example for this. She stays unmarried despite being 30 and enjoys her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to the fullest with a successful career and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
stability.

On the other hand
, there are other reasons contributing to the unmarried status of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Firstly
, the more their self-esteem has strengthened, the more stable and confident
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
become. They then feel content and fulfilled with themselves, leading a great deal of them to stay self-partnered
rather
than stepping into a relationship or getting married.
Secondly
, in a society that gives all of its members essential freedom and a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
share,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can rise to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
height.
As a result
, marriage is no longer high on a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
priorities. With an ambition of moving up on the career ladder, those ladies have shifted their focus on personal achievements, including profession. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
why the number of single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
has
significantly
increased in the modern society.

In a nutshell, in an equal society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are empowered
to stand on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
feet and work towards their goals.
Therefore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have they been able to fulfil their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
needs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have
also
become more self-assured and happy with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without the need of getting married.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay agree or disagree? it is more important to study math or science than it is to study art and literature v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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